HomeChild CareWhy did I start to fall for my f-buddy, but he didn’t feel the same?
Posted in Child Care on 25th August 2012

Why did I start to fall for my f-buddy, but he didn’t feel the same?
When we met, it was very casual. 7 months later, we’ve been talking for hours, he comes round for non-sexual stuff as well as anything else (and no, not because he thinks it’ll get him sex, stuff like putting up a shelf), we chat for hours on end on the phone, and talk about sports, family, jobs, frustrations, etc.

It seems we’ve talked and laughed more, recently, than we’ve had sex.

I’m not saying he is falling for ME, and quite frankly I don’t believe he is – despite the increase in talking and sharing stories etc – but all the same, last night (after some advice from here) I sent him a text telling him I wanted to start to see him a little more seriously. It wasn’t a bunny-boiling text.

He gave me the answer I was dreading…basically a “no can do” reply but that he will “call” me when he’s “in your area just to say hi, other than that, take care”.

He has 2 young children and is recently divorced. He is 33.

I replied that I was disappointed (esp after 7 months) and that I felt a little upset that that was it. But he didn’t reply. He is a terrible texter and can’t spell, which totally betrays what he is like when he talks (animated and very expressive), so I was hoping that maybe he was just expressing himself badly. But then, he didn’t exactly pick the phone up to call me. He simply sent the text I described.

This happened at work about 3 hours ago and I was so upset I had to go to the bathroom and cry for a good fifteen minutes.

I know he “cares” for me, and like I say, we were talking about much more personal stuff and having fun without even having sex, but why haven’t his feelings developed? Just last week he told my last boyfriend must be “absolutely devastated” and when I asked why, he said “well, he lost you, didn’t he?”

The thing is, we’ve been through this before, in Nov, where I asked him to leave me alone if he can’t be a little more serious about me, and to only return if he wanted more, so when he DID return a month later, I assumed he wanted more, so why has he said no, when he knows that was my condition for him ever coming back?
Are you stupid, Bently? I am SINGLE!
I AM NOT MARRIED!!!!!

Best answer(s):

Answer by Bentley
Talk to your husband about this.

Answer by pat z
This seems to be a “classic” mistake: he was your “f-buddy”. That precludes having a serious, committed relationship, regardless of the amount of time spent in each other’s company.
He obviously doesn’t want to change whatever you once had.
If you want something different, you may have to find it elsewhere — and this time, be clear about what you want from the beginning. It’ll help.

Answer by TreyMacG
A relationship that starts with sex is bound to get serous for at least one of the people. And you do have a relationship. He is obviously not in the same place as you. If you are looking for a committed relationship it probably isn’t with him. He came back for the sex and you let him. This is all about choices, you make them so choose wisely!

Answer by leggos
it sounds like you guys are in terminal lack of clarity. you want more but you are willing to have sex without more. when he came back it’s understandable that you expected he wanted more, but i am guessing that you didn’t clarify that. why not? that was, in my opinion, your big mistake. you have to make him be clear and be clear yourself. and that is hard after not seeing one and other for a while and having a strong base of friendship.
and then texting serious stuff is a big no-no for me. why didn’t you speak in person. you should be able to speak your piece from a grounded centered place and stand your ground (and i know it’s hard when you feel for him and are maybe lonely too) and not waver.
the answer is evident in your question in which you call him your F buddy. if it is clear that he is that, then you are not serious.
perhaps if you had asked he would have said “no” i don’t want to be serious, just friends or just F buddies. or maybe he would say i just want to be friends and you would end up slipping into F buddies.
you can perhaps fill your life more with other people: family deep friendships with women friends and join a hiking club or a theatre class or a dance class. start bubbling and you will see that there are some guys who would love to be your one and only and visa versa. don’t waste your time with someone who is wasting your time. even if he’s nice, charming and many other things.
stand your ground woman! he won’t do it for you! no one will!

Answer by cant think
i think you should give him space, he is obviously not ready for anything serious, as you ve mentioned, he just got divorced, if you guys having so much fun , just talking, right now. just do whatever is fun, why get serious, why have obligations, for his defense, he just got out a marriage, , i think its the best for you to give him some times, let him feel that he needs you , he will not make a mistake like he did with his last marriage, whenever he is ready for a serious commitment,thats where you will be, but also let him know, you are also looking for someone that are serious, if you met the Mr. right , and you will not be around too long, dont get me wrong, he may never get serious, what you feel is pretty much what you feel, assuming what he feels, may not be right 50% of time, if you can live with it, to have a fantastic conversations, and awesome time with this guy, you will have to make some compromises, knowing that what you are putting in may not get returns, you will feel better, because there is no expectation. you need put your heart straight, what you are doing is just having fun,, you are a free agent, you can meet someone want the same thing, maybe right now he is not seeing what is right in front of his eyes, but time will change, and people will change, and if you dont see the change, if you dont see anything is happening for a about a year time, you will know, its the best for you to look for someone wants the same thing..

Answer by MM
Maybe he assumed right back that because you didn’t stick to your guns and insist on confirming that you were in a real relationship before you took him back, you weren’t really that serious about it and he could carry right on just displaying enough concern to keep you involved with him in the bedroom. Wondering why he doesn’t want more isn’t going to get you anywhere. He doesn’t, and if it hasn’t happened by now, it won’t. Time to move on for real and set stricter boundaries from the outset with the next guy.

By the by, if you don’t want people assuming you’re married, you should probably post in Singles & Dating next time.

Answer by iyamacog
Probably because he doesn’t wish to get emotionally involved with a married woman. Like you say, he’s only your f-buddy, and your ‘conditions’ don’t mean diddly squat…….♥♥

Answer by Tough Kid
Do you really think he came back because he could fulfill your condition?That is Not the reason.He came back because he felt that since you are a person who could be a F Buddy,you probably could give him sex again with No strings attached.He came back cause he was horny and anyway you too allowed him to have sex with you without having to give commitment.You have started your relationship on a wrong note.He won’t be serious with you if he knows you could be someone involved in casual sex and be somebody’s F Buddy.By the way,are you sure he is really divorced or is he still with his wife?Anyway whatever it is,he will Not want a serious relationship with you too because if he was divorced he probably will Not want a relationship so soon especially with someone whom he always just had casual sex with.He would rather look for a woman who will Not so easily climb onto bed with him for a serious relationship.If he is still married,in the first place he can Not be committed to you because he already has a wife.I suggest you forget him.Even if he has sex lesser with you now,it does Not mean he is getting serious with you,it means his fiery sexual passion for you has gone down,since he has been having sex with you for some time,of course the interest will die down.Chatting or laughing more with you doesn’t mean he Loves you,it just means he is lonely or bored and wants to talk to somebody.Just forget him and get a proper boyfriend.

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