HomeWorking MothersWhat do you think of my writing and please be honest?
Posted in Working Mothers on 3rd May 2014

What do you think of my writing and please be honest?
I heard the door creep open, and in stepped Mama. She looked upon me at pity, holding that tattered photo. My eyes were raw and the hurt was ceaseless. Like a dog, I crawled to her legs and clinged; I wanted my sorrow to wash away. She crawled down to my level and wept with me. Her arms ached with the same hurt that I had.

“I’m sorry, baby. I know this isn’t fair.”

“Why couldn’t I have kept her? I would have been a good mother.”

“I know,” she sobbed, softly caressing my hair.

My dignity was depleting. My livelihood was taken. My soul was degraded. My child was stolen. A stolen innocence was to be brought up in a world of hungry wolves wanting to feed on a bastard child. Life meant nothing without our children. They were what kept the world spinning and spinning. Generation upon generation of children grew from adolescents to adults to turn our world upside down and inside-out. It was what rocked our world and kept our heads held high. But me, I had nothing to be proud of, I kept my head lurking in the shadows only to wait for my baby to come home to me.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Jessica Jonas
Very professional; I want to read more! 😀

Answer by spookylilgirl
bravo ! Very Good

Answer by Karen
Is she an adult? She acts like a kid at first, but then an adult? I don’t understand that….but mostly because it is out of contextt for me. otherwise it is relaly good especially with the details.

Answer by Iphigenia
You need more sentence variety, and make it flow more smoothly. Right now it’s Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I don’t know what age group your protagonist is supposed to be, it seems like a child, then adult, and back and forth. The middle part of the last paragraph is very grand, but rather impersonal in my opinion, at least in the context of the beginning and end of that paragraph.

Answer by ★☆ L⁴☆★ [ [ Momma Mia! ] ]
Your syntax needs work. Also, “I heard” isa filter, which puts distance between the reader and the story. A simple “The door creaked open…” is fine.

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