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What do you think of my writing and please be honest?

Posted in Working Mothers on 3rd May 2014

What do you think of my writing and please be honest?
I heard the door creep open, and in stepped Mama. She looked upon me at pity, holding that tattered photo. My eyes were raw and the hurt was ceaseless. Like a dog, I crawled to her legs and clinged; I wanted my sorrow to wash away. She crawled down to my level and wept with me. Her arms ached with the same hurt that I had.

“I’m sorry, baby. I know this isn’t fair.”

“Why couldn’t I have kept her? I would have been a good mother.”

“I know,” she sobbed, softly caressing my hair.

My dignity was depleting. My livelihood was taken. My soul was degraded. My child was stolen. A stolen innocence was to be brought up in a world of hungry wolves wanting to feed on a bastard child. Life meant nothing without our children. They were what kept the world spinning and spinning. Generation upon generation of children grew from adolescents to adults to turn our world upside down and inside-out. It was what rocked our world and kept our heads held high. But me, I had nothing to be proud of, I kept my head lurking in the shadows only to wait for my baby to come home to me.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Jessica Jonas
Very professional; I want to read more! 😀

Answer by spookylilgirl
bravo ! Very Good

Answer by Karen
Is she an adult? She acts like a kid at first, but then an adult? I don’t understand that….but mostly because it is out of contextt for me. otherwise it is relaly good especially with the details.

Answer by Iphigenia
You need more sentence variety, and make it flow more smoothly. Right now it’s Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I don’t know what age group your protagonist is supposed to be, it seems like a child, then adult, and back and forth. The middle part of the last paragraph is very grand, but rather impersonal in my opinion, at least in the context of the beginning and end of that paragraph.

Answer by ★☆ L⁴☆★ [ [ Momma Mia! ] ]
Your syntax needs work. Also, “I heard” isa filter, which puts distance between the reader and the story. A simple “The door creaked open…” is fine.

Here is a poem please critique? Hopefully it’s alright.?

Posted in Babysitting on 16th April 2014

Here is a poem please critique? Hopefully it’s alright.?
She sits in the floor arms wrapped around her ankles.
By a thread of hope, she dangles.
Tears run from her eyes endlessly.
Nobody can stop her from breaking.
Her breathing gets ragged and troubled.
No matter what her problems are doubled.
Rocking herself, comfort eases over her mind.
Her meds are kicking in and peace she finally finds.
Butterflies fly around her head.
When she tries to catch them they fall dead.
She lays her head down to sleep.
How long can, sanity, she keep?
Later when she wakes up, she feels so empty.
How else should she feel when she may have given up a baby?
3 days after rape and abortion pills.
She’s fifteen and not sure how she feels.
She goes to the bathroom mirror.
The image is anything but clear.
Her sister laughs at her anxiety.
Her sister tells her she has never had and never will have a reason to worry,
Because the girl has it so easy.
She thinks yeah that’s why he raped me.
She begins to cry again.
And her sister yells at her then.
The sister cusses her and pushes her around.
Her self-esteem dives right into the ground.
She walks out and goes out on the back porch step and sits.
Wondering what she has done to be treated like this.
Her dad is outside smoking when she begins to have trouble breathing.
He calls out her name, he starts getting worried.
She barely hears him even though, he is right beside her, screaming.
She finally catches her breath and says sorry.
And her dad walks away angrily.
She goes in and looks at the girl in the mirror.
The vision she is seeing is getting clearer.
You wouldn’t believe,
That the girl I have been talking about is me.
I am telling you a story that happens to be true.
Well, it used to.
I found out at seventeen…
That my sister had betrayed me.
People ask, “What is a soul’s worth in money?”
Nothing, I tell you. Nothing!
She sold me out for eleven dollars.
I swear I want to beat her.
Yes my poem is an autobiography poem.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Joel
It’s a very powerful and emotive subject. I think you need to work on the vocabulary you use to represent the deep meaning of the poem.
Work on a few of the rhymes and try to get rid of the bits of repetition.
All in all a good try, neaten it up.

I’d say a 7 out of 10 🙂

Answer by P. W
I hope that this is not autobiographical?
Usually you sit ON the floor. “Sit” is a very undescriptive word. The word “hunkers” gets across the “arms wrapped around her ankles” with far greater economy. See if you can get across the meaning of each line in fewer words.

Child Support. Not great ex husband being a jerk. Please help?

Posted in Child Support on 29th March 2014

Child Support. Not great ex husband being a jerk. Please help?
My daughter is 3 years old. My ex and I have been divorced since she was 1. He has only paid child support once and we live in the same town. He never calls to see but is constantly telling people that I never let him see her and I a heroin addict and alot of other stupid shit. So I told him my daughter isn’t going over to his mom’s house (where he lives) until he pays because it’s not fair he gets free time and I have to work overtime and still barely get to see her. He just got a job 2 months ago in the last year. I also told him if he wants to see her he can come over to my house and see her because I don’t want her over at his mom’s house (his dad is creepy and my daughter comes back saying weird things so it’s not just because he’s a jerk) until he starts paying child support. He’s making a big deal about everything and I want to know if I should take him to court? I already told him if hes worried about my spending it on myself if he could just go buy some winter clothes that would be enough, but he hung up on me. Is there another way other then court to solve this? Please any advice would be greatly appropriated.

Best answer(s):

Answer by R K
if you can sign up for welfare, the county where you live will go after your ex to get all the back child support to keep you off welfare.

Answer by lady
When you were divorced did he get court order child support payments and visitation rights? You need to make sure that you are in compliance with whatever the court ordered. If he was ordered to pay support, and has not,then he is in contempt of court and you can take him to court.. He could get jail time, garnished wages etc.Make sure you document EVERYTHING. Every phone call..date time what was said etc. Any time he spends with your daughter….date, length of time.
Going to court and getting things put down in writing is the only way to protect yourself and your daughter.
Good Luck!

Answer by goodnused
I think you may check with you local child welfare departments for advise. Surely most county court houses have people available to assist you in getting money for child support. If it has to go to court, they may assist also. The DEAD BEAT days are over, but please don’t use his parents or him as the reason you daughter can see them. Unless you have 100% proof that they are in some way a violation of the child’s best interest. Good Luck.

Answer by Taurean
You wrote “I don’t want her over at his mom’s house (his dad is creepy and my daughter comes back saying weird things so it’s not just because he’s a jerk) until he starts paying child support”

Would you send your daughter to his CREEPY dad if he starts paying child support?

Answer by June
You need to get in touch with the child support agency.
If your x doesn’t work then he cant pay child support if he does work then they will work out how much he earns and take a percentage from his wages.
If i was you i would not bother with him as he seems like a person that your child could do without in growing years.
Sometimes fighting someone for what ever reason is not worth it.
Try to look after your child your self and let the child suport agency do the chasing.
You may get some money in a year most likely not much as he will be one of those people that know how to play the system.
good luck.