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Domestic violence & drinking. Mad at victims sister. Codeword abused/compromised. NEED ADVICE?

Posted in Working Mothers on 12th July 2012

Domestic violence & drinking. Mad at victims sister. Codeword abused/compromised. NEED ADVICE?
-2of my best friends are twins. Jane & Janice. Jane is in an abusive relationship. I support Jane, and tell Jane that I’m here if she ever needs me. Jane’s not ready to leave her husband. Jane thinks they can “make their marraige work”. Jane knows that I respect her enough to understand that she must make decisions for herself. Jane & I recently came up with a code word for Jane to tell me if she needed help(“RED SWEATER”), if Jane ever needs me to dial 911, she’ll call me & demand that I return her RED SWEATER. Janice, me, and the twins mom keep in constant communication about Jane’s situation. Yesterday I told Janice about about the code word so she’s not confused if Jane ever calls talking about a red sweater.
-Janice went to visit her sister overnightJanicecalled me at 1a, and was VERY drunk. I asked Janice what she was doing & she said “I’m working on it”. I asked Janice what she was talking about & Janice said “Can I have my RED SWEATER back.” This code word was created for Jane, but Janice was visiting Jane, so I asked Janice if she was in trouble. Janice said “Uh-huh. Yeah. Let me call you right back.” I went into emergency mode & was ready to call police. Janice was so drunk I didn’t know what was happening, just that she had said “RED SWEATER”, and confirmed that she was in trouble. I waited & Janice didn’t call me back. I called Janice who didn’t answer. Then I called Jane & Jane’s husband answered (something he’s done while literally holding Jane hostage before). I never heard Janice’s voice during this call. So I was very concerned. I opted to call twinsat 1am) & see if she wanted to call to check on the twins, so I wasn’t calling over & over (escalating the husbands anger = he doesn’t like me since I’ve driven to pickup Jane during one of his abusive episodes when she called me screaming for me to come & get her while pinned in a corner)
-While I was talking to Jane & Janice’s mom, Janice beeped in. I clicked over to Janice and asked Janice if she was okay. Janice said “Yeah.” But since she said “RED SWEATER” right before letting me go during our last conversation, I didn’t know if she was saying she was okay under duress. So I asked Janice if she could get away from the husband to tell me whats going on and she said yes. Once she was AWAY from the husband I asked again if everything was okay. She repeated that yes, everything was fine. I said, “So no RED SWEATER” And she said, “Oh, no, no…let’s take a step back!” I was very confused at this point. I asked her what was going on. She said that she was visiting with Jane’s husband & that she “found out some things that disturbed her”. LIKE, JUST INFORMATION. NO EMERGENCY. I asked her to please not ever say “RED SWEATER” again unless she needed me to dial 911, bc it means call for help! I explained to her that I had been panicked & that I had already called her mother to tell her that she had called me with the emergency code word. Janice reacted to this by saying “What?! You called my mom?!” And I said “yes, I told her I’d call her back when you beeped in”, and Janice said “Oh, let me call my mom real quick & tell her everything is okay.” So I let her go so she could call her mom. After a minute Janice called me back, and said, “Next time, don’t be so quick to call mi madre [my mother]” in an accusatory voice!!!
-I am FURIOUS that Janice got soo intoxicated while visiting Jane, and then called me in the middle of the night drunk, the second sentence out of her mouth being “can I have my RED SWEATER back?” And THEN had the AUDACITY to act like I was out of line for calling her mother.
-Apparently Janice was drinking, visiting with Jane’s husband. Jane’s husband has reached out to Janice in the past, and for some reason trusts her & tells her things (specifically about abusing her sister, using an opportunity to present HIS side of the story). So apparently Janice was just disturbed by the stories that Jane’s husband opened up & told her& in saying “RED SWEATER” she was just attempting to share her disgust(?) with he situation. I’m furious that Janice abused the emergency code word b/c she was so intoxicated, and then even MADDER that she acted like I overreated to the situation by calling their mom. Janice then acted annoyed that I asked why she said “red sweater”, and stayed on the phone, but was silent. She seemed annoyed to be on the phone with me, so I asked if she wanted me to let her go. She said yes, that she’d call me back whenever.
-I’M ALSO WORRIED Janice will tell the husband about the codeword after a drunken misunderstanding about it. Right now during fights, Jane has been able to call me. Jane’s husband only keeps the phone from her if she says she’s calling P.D.If he knows about the code word, then he’ll probably be unlikely to let Jane have the phone AT ALL during these fights if he thinks she may tell a friend to call the police in code!!!!!

I’m so mad at Janice, what would YOU say to Janice?
Yahooman- I appreciate a true, thoughtful & genuine response. However, this scenario won’t work. Even if I did take her to a police station, I can’t report the crime- SHE must. Outside of that, she must decide for HERSELF to leave. All I can do is make sure she knows she is a strong, and intellegent person (as her husband often tells her otherwise), and tell her I will always be here for her. I’ve already driven 4 hrs in the middle of the night to pick her up when she called me once. She wanted out, so I drove to help her get out. But she went back, so I told her that I support her no matter what. If I “kidnapped” her, she’d only go back, not to mention she has a young daughter. I’m just trying to figure out how to deal w/the sister who got drunk & abused an emergency codeword b/c she was so drunk.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Yeech
I would tell her to buy a Popsicle.

Answer by Yahooman
this is terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These cases happen all the time all over the world and are dangerous to the person being abused and attacked. Now being a sister to a domestic abuse victim mentally changes their head and can have long term affects.

now i think one day you should PRETEND to take her out for lunch without the husband to a councilor. Or in a worst case scenario go in to the victims house take her close turn her phone off nd flee to a safer place such as ur house a friends house or if your scared for ur safety and hers Straight to a police station and report the abuse even if its against her will so she can be looked after and THIS COWARD delt with!

I stopped drinking alcohol over a year ago. I’m no longer in a treatment program that does random testing?

Posted in Babysitting on 3rd June 2011

I stopped drinking alcohol over a year ago. I’m no longer in a treatment program that does random testing?
How can I arrange for random alcohol testing? Through my family doctor? Private clinic. I’m willing to pay. I’m no longer eligible for the random testing in the treatment program because of the length of my sobriety. I would like the random testing to keep my difficult ex-husband assured and perhaps to give me another year of “babysitting” though I do go to AA frequently and am feeling great about my sobriety.
I am in aftercare and can be as long as I choose but they no longer test.

Best answer(s):

Answer by HVAC Man
First off Congrats… You have made it farther than most do… and I respect you for that..

For random testing yes any clinic should be able to do it for you… But of course there will be a charge…

Good Luck and best wishes to you.

Answer by mompoo
I think if you talked to your dr. about this than I am sure he would set something up for you…

Answer by boblunchdude
I am not sure that you could. One thing I learned is there isnt always going to be that safety net for you. Basically you have done your time, and you should be proud of your sobriety. If it really makes you feel better, tell him you will take a test whenever he feels like it, but, he should pay for it. By the way, Grats to you. I am 14 years sober myself, and it does get easier with time, especially if you have people around you who are supportive of your sobriety.
Good luck to you.

Answer by sweet_leaf
Aftercare. Call around to the treatment centres in your area and see if anyone is willing to take this on. Chances are they will. They all have a shared goal of helping people get and stay sober. Good luck!

Answer by rosie_lynn
Wow. I want to say how proud everyone should be of you. You sound like a very responsible person who had some tough times. And admit to that and you are doing better!!! Great!!!

This runs in my family. So I have seen it and know how hard it is. So sad. Glad you have your life back really.

Ask your doctor for help. I am sure he can arrange something I hope. And ask others at AA. And let your ex know you are going to get this done if you can. It would be great if he could help pay on it, but if not, if you can afford it, get it. And I do hope he will keep helping by babysitting. You deserve some help. You are really trying and doing well. I admire that.

Answer by saibenswuenin
It will do to test yourself; you’ll need a blood test strip (for saliva testing,) alternately a breathalyzer, a cellphone camera (for taking a timestamped photo of the strip at the time of testing, and of course showing off the test and result,) and some kind of timer, a cheap permanent ink pen (not the gel type,) and some middleweight Scotch tape.

The pen is for doodling on or dating the test strips (Year, Month, Date; is the current ANSI standard.)
The middleweight tape is an option which permits the preservation (in a target canister; well-labeled, please) of your test strip samples. After the photo of the test (i.e. your wet dated paper,) the result (since it takes time for any reaction to take place,) and photos of the locale (if you like) you can put the test paper inside a loop of tape and then microwave the loop for 20 seconds to kill bacteria and K.O. mycoplasma in there. Squeegee it closed again (since steam opened some ways) and store in the ‘used’ canister. Heavier tape would insulate against the microwaves overmuch.

The final component is the most technically complex, and sure enough it uses the cellphone too. It’s the random timer; run like a normal random testing program, it would be not totally random, and preferential to Sunday AM at 2 (if you are awake; you can certainly log later if you were not!) or after lunch. Pick an appropriate Java timer program or timer that works on your phone, then pick or delegate (to your spouse, on the case) the target times and frequencies (2 times a week, say) and let your phone page you with an appropriate poem or saying to cue your test. Java ME (micro edition) runs on 95% of cameraphones, so it’s an easy choice in case you (and your trust system) want or need anything special.

There are certainly other good valid and effective methods than this canonical one! It sounds like you want to convince some fellow; would it kill him to learn to distinguish (say, 10 minutes after application) Chanel No.5 from Chardonnay, Warmth (eau d’toilette) from Walker (whiskey), stairstepper (aerobic exercise) from DKNY Be Delicious, hill running (somewhat anaerobic) from Abbey Ale and Irn Bru? If you travel, they still make paper cards and envelopes suitable for scenting. Due to postal regulations you will want to put saranwrap between the address and the card dampened from hill (mountain) running drills….

There are even electronic exercise meters (and I think, a Dance Dance Revolution game) that do an okay job of deciding whether your jumping jacks have been mellowed by alcohol; to keep an audit trail on those will take a little devising, though if the digicam photos of your score and your pose is always the same, you will soon be outed. You probably shouldn’t expect your score to keep improving past 36,220 points or age 72, after all.

You could alternately choose an infrared detection method, which would essentially be a blood test rather than a breath or saliva test, and particular to you. If you are involved in photography and willing to experiment with a chilled optic path and some etalons placed atop your CCDs, this could be your pick; though imaging isn’t as important to the test as a consistent wideband IR illumination of the chosen test spot, reliable etalons that can pick out alcohol’s in vitro adsorption bands, and some test time.

David Foster Wallace has written extensively on some alternative audit methods, although he does write fiction as well as essays.

At what age do you have your child’s transition from a drinking cup, a regular cup?

Posted in Toddlers on 1st November 2010

question of eeeeeeeeclipse : At what age did you have your child’s transition from a drinking cup to a regular cup ?
I have 22 months twins. My kindergarten has demanded that my normal guys from a cup to drink before they move from the “young toddler” room to “infant room”. I have not even thought about the guys still regularly cups. Just wondering what the norm is Best Answer.

Answer by ashley
My nephew and niece had never sippy cups. They went from bottle to cup. I do not know. I think if you do not spill your drink all over the place. If they hold a drinking cup without dropping it can should be able to hold a cup.

know better? Leave your answer in the comments!