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What issues would a single guy have deal with if he married a divorced woman who is also a mother?

Posted in Working Mothers on 9th May 2012

What issues would a single guy have deal with if he married a divorced woman who is also a mother?
I am a single guy who is in a relationship with a single mom who is divorced.

We have not dated that long but we enjoy each others company. And I like her children a lot. However, I am facing a lot of adversities.

1) My girlfriend refrains from me telling my parents that she is divorced with children (I already know that my parents will be shellshocked, but I have to tell them somehow-She has spoken to my parents on the phone, by the way).

***In addition, I realize that the longer I hold out telling my parents,
the more difficult in the long run. So, for the time being, I am
I am holding off telling my parents out of respect for her.

2) My girlfriend comes from a family that is financially “well-off.” I come from a “working” middle-class family. She is used to dating “wealthy” men and those who have “power.” I pretty much go “against the grain” as far as the type of men she would date.

3) She has told her family and friends about me. They asked questions like:

a) What does he do for a living? Does he have a house

b) Has he been married before? If not, can he handle being with a
divorced mother?

c) Has he been in a relationship before? If he has never been
married before, what make you think he will consider marriage now? (I actually had a 3 year relationship with a woman significantly older than me – we broke it off because I wanted to have children).

4) While I have gone out of my way to introduce my girlfriend to my friends, both male and female, she is reluctant to introduce me to a lot of her friends (We have never gone out on a “double-date” with her friends, only mine). I HAVE THIS FEELING THAT HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS DO NOT LIKE ME. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT, BUT I FIND IT VERY IMPORTANT TO BE ACCEPTED BY HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS. MY FRIENDS HAVE ACCEPTED HER WITH OPEN ARMS, BUT I DO NOT FEEL I AM GETTING THE SAME.

Right now, I am enjoying her company and feel that it is a little too early for me to be talking about anything long term. Once again, we have only been together for half a year.

But I am confused because I feel that my girlfriend feels that I am not the one for her, and/or she is in a hurry to get married because she wants to be taken care of financially.

So the biggest dilemma that I face is that my girlfriend keeps telling me that I should just find myself a woman who has never been married.

SHOULD I MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE AND FIND A WOMAN WHO HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED SO THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH A LOT OF THESE ISSUES THAT I AM PRESENTED WITH?

Again, in due fairness, I understand that the dynamics of being in a “single guy/divorced mother” relationship is very complex, and I know that maturity is a big factor in it working.

However, I feel that I am getting dealt a bad hand. It’s gotten to a point where I am overthinking the situation and it’s letting my insecurities come out.

For all you experts out there, i need your honest input.

Best answer(s):

Answer by ru
its no big deal single guy/divorced mother but i dont think she would be with u for long taking into account her family and guys she dates and also it wouldnt be wise to hide out anything from ur parents and even though they eventually agree she’s not the one for u….

so advise move out and move on….but pls this time who is single maybe and childless and also ur age…..

all the best

Answer by yobo360
I think you seem to be really sweet, and don’t need to be put through stuff like that. Have you tried sitting her down and talking to her? If you haven’t you probably should. If you have, you have to think of things on your own, no matter how hard. But if things don’t last, always remember that there is someone else out there.

Answer by originata
You don’t seem too experienced with women. Is she older than you?

If someone tells you to find someone else who is better suited for you, LISTEN TO THEM. To me, it seems like she is not taking the relationship seriously. You are someone she probably enjoys being around and having sex with if that’s the case but she doesn’t seem like she sees you as a long term partner. Not because of anything you’re doing though. She doesn’t want to introduce you to her friends nor wants you to tell your parents all about her, because she doesn’t want to get too involved or too attached. It’s not that her family friends do not like you, they don’t even know you, she is probably ashamed that she is with someone young and less experienced and less established than she is.

You are more involved in the relationship than she is. Her being divorced or having a kid from a relationship is not the problem nor should you lump all women in that situation into one group. She simply does not see being with you long term, so you should move on and find someone who wants the same things as you WITH you. Do not see what is not there, you will get hurt.

Answer by T.
Simply put… if you want HER, tell her so & stop worrying. If you feel you are being played, then have enough self respect to politely leave the relationship.

Oh, and the first thing you could do to answer all of your own questions, is tell your parents the whole truth!

Answer by LU LU
They all sound like shallow materialistic people while you seem very down to earth. It may be in your best interest to find someone who would be proud to have you on her arm. I want a man like you

Answer by ruth
Sorry, I’m not reading all of this. If you have this many issues already, run.

Not every single mother presents all of these same issues, btw. What most of us do is put our children first, and this is usually the toughest part for a never-married childless man to deal with (also true about women and single fathers).

Answer by ewing34
you should move on. if she is telling you that you should move on. you will end up tired and broken hearted

Answer by E&L
She is enjoying your relationship, but she definitely has not taken any measures to make it a long term one. The fact that she is not honest with your parents and she has not openly included you in her circle of friends is a giant red flag that she is just ‘dating’ you, but not in a committed relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, this may be what she wants right now given the fact she has kids(which are a big enough commitment of time and effort). Before your dating hits the 1 year mark you should discuss her honesty about your relationship and where she feels it is going. That includes meeting your parents and telling them about her children along with meeting her friends.

Answer by migamw
First,there shouldnt be any reason why youre parents shouldnt know,because lets face it,they will always be there for you even if in the event of something bad,she isnt.They need to know soon.Second,if you are feeling that something isnt right and know she is use to wealthy men,then maybe thats why you havent met any of her friends.Which is really crappy if she honestly cares for you.If you make her happy money should not be important.In my case I was a divorced single mom,with 2 kids and a fiance 10 years younger and I sometimes felt guilty that he was in such chaos and considered letting him go and told him to find someone not in such a mess,but he chose to stay.Sounds like you need to sit down and put it all out on the table.Getting in a relationship with someone with kids is difficult,but can be rewarding if you have the patience and love.If you have to deal with the ex that is another thing all together.Good luck with this!!

Is a marriage of convenience better than being divorced with a child?

Posted in Working Mothers on 23rd October 2011

Is a marriage of convenience better than being divorced with a child?
It is not uncommon for wives who don’t work outside the home and haven’t for years to stay tied to their husbands who provide for them and their child. There is a certain level of comfort in being a housewife. It is not uncommon for such people to sleep in separate bedrooms and have their own life but yet connect as a family. I can imagine a woman who is accustomed to being supported will have a difficult time with a separation. She imagines her salary at starting an entry level job would cause her to be “less of a generous mother” because the time she devotes to her son/house would then be compromised by a job. She would have to get a smaller house. Currently, with her husband a man she don’t love and realizes she never did thus feeling trapped into the “desire” to make the family appear okay for the sake of the kids. Just looking for some constructive input on this matter?

Best answer(s):

Answer by DisneyLover
no.

Answer by master_der_man
Do what the two of you can agree with.

Answer by ladylunamina
No, staying with a guy your not in love with doenst help your child. I tried to stay with my daughters dad, and it was just sad

Answer by Nicole
I don’t know.
I suppose it would work out better financially for everyone. Better life for the child, if both parents aren’t abusive in any way.

I would only marry for love though, just the way I am.

Answer by live*laugh*love
No, it’s not a good idea. Though your thoughts are only with the child (good start), the child will ony grow up in an environment of “fake love”. And this can never turn out well… this will also cause other problems, like a domino effect and will ruin your life, but also the childs. Teach your child to love when he/she is sure the feeling’s well… but for now you just can’t do that. My best suggestion is to keep the child in the same house… and instead the parents move from house to house to see the child. After all, it’s not the childs fault that this happened to them.

Anyway, if this is you… good luck getting through your divorce.

Answer by Lore
Sounds like you are content not working and being a house wife. I do not know which is worse a marriage of pretense or lying to your children about it. There are more women in present and past that stayed with their husbands to make life good for the kids and ended up staying with their spouses even after the children grew up and left home. I guess it comes down to how much is one willing to take.

Answer by contemplating
Kids will eventually sense that you’re not happy. The relationship you have is a model for your children…what do you hope they will have for a relationship?
The income thing is not as bad as most people make it out to be. Get yourself though college (4-years), and you can start at >$ 50k if you make money your priority (or you actually like work that tends to generate money). The 4 years and the loans are worth that — plus while you’re a student you have a more flexible schedule with your children and the government will make sure none of you do without.

Answer by soft b
i would suggest you get counseling…….. your child senses or knows things are not Right also…………. unhappiness also leads to many things like illness………. and i think you and your child deserve much BETTER than what you have now.. Look into your heart….and think of you and your child…….. what’s improtant to you? being miserable? or working through it and eventually coming out happy and at peace for you and your child?
if you suffer, your child suffers also……..and you both DESERVE the best life has to offer.

Answer by Layla B
I am a child of a mother who divorced my father. yoyour child will be mad at u for a while…and when u find a new person..they will never like him…I mean..he may be a nice guy…but she/he will hate him…just because he is not THEIRS. But…it is WAY better for ur child to see u happy with someone else rather than unhappy with their father/mother. Please take this advice when I tell u: If u are going to divorce do it right, and find a GREAT man that you will STAY Either this time. Don’t look for a guy either….Just WAIT.
Take this from me: I know what it’s like

Answer by Becky F
I wonder what the child thinks, what they know? How is the atmosphere? Divorce is hardest on the kids. I wouldn’t wish it on my dog. Satan loves it when he can break up a family. Love is a funny thing. Just when you think it’s died, it can be rekindled. Assuming her husband is a good man and father she needs to find something that makes her happy. She could change husbands, but then you’ve just changed one problem for another. You need to work on the problem at hand and fix that. Does she respect him? Why did she marry him in the first place? Surely there had to be something there in the begining? Counseling couldn’t hurt…

divorced dads do you pay “extra” for things that should be covered under “child support”?

Posted in Child Support on 11th June 2011

divorced dads do you pay “extra” for things that should be covered under “child support”?
What i mean is if you pay the max the court ordered(child support,daycare,and medical expensives) plus have joint custody 50% do u pay for extra things like sports fees,toys/clothes for your ex’s house ect?My husbands ex will have thier son call and ask his dad to pay for these things and he allways does.Now money is very tight for us and his ex is not hard up.Now i’m not an evil stepmom(i love my stepson) and my hus is not a dead beat dad i just feel these things should come from the child support money my hus is allready paying her.i feel his ex is taking advantage of my husbands love for his son as this happens often.Should i just let this go?I have tryed to talk to him about it but he just get defensive.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Nicole C
Let it go.. its his child, just because he pays child support, doesnt mean he needs to flea from everything else.. my dad paid extra child support and then paid for everything else we wanted.. just kind of a “hey, b/c im not around as much as Id like to be” sort of thing.

Answer by zajucomom
Let it go. He doesn’t want to talk about it. But i do see your point.

Answer by Scullycj
fight it! Should be covered..

Answer by jay k
It’s likely he gets defensive because he’s doing what’s right for the best of the children. After all what would result out of him telling his wife that the money he pays should cover that as well. Chances are it will provoke an argument and the kids the true one who pays for it. However, morally speaking you are correct. If he has joint custody AND pays child support he should not have to pay other things as well, after all if he has his child for 50% and probably spends just as much as his mom does for her 50%. This sounds like it might be an issue you should check with a lawyer on, and then once you get the facts you can bring it up to him.

Answer by Violet Pearl
That sounds fair enough to me. If they were still married, the parents would work together to come up with the things the children need. Child support goes toward food, clothing and shelter (medical insurance, etc.) and a decent father also buys his kid toys, sports fees, etc.
Let it go. He shouldn’t have to defend his decision to buy his kid a toy.

Answer by Eric W
Money maybe tight, but it is his son. I pay extra for my kids, but I will not give her the money to “buy” the extras. I keep a receipt because she is insane.

Answer by manybagolike
Hell no! The state tells you what you have to pay. Not her! She’s robbing you man! But it doesn’t hurt to buy your kids stuff yourself like clothes and toys. Your still their father. Just don’t be giving her the money. If she says they need something like clothes or something, pay for it yourself!

Answer by topekat
Good question. I would say that if you are already paying the court ordered and you are straped for cash that you shouldnt have to pay anything extra unless you have the money to do so it is your step child and that doesnt matter. If you can pay it do it if not dont.

Answer by jen_808
I agree with you. My husband has a daughter and I am the evil step monster also that hates it when they ask for extra money. Child support should cover those costs, but I guess there is nothing wrong with giving a little extra once in awhile. We are not well off either and every little bit counts.

Answer by mable3691214
Let it go. Child support only goes so far. It doesnt pay for thoes extra things… If yuor husband wasnt paying for them, He would not be able to get them.