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In dire need of help. Please.?

Posted in Child Care on 17th December 2010

In dire need of help. Please.?
Currently I am engaged to a WONDERFUL woman. A girl that I have known for a little more than 7 years. My best friend. There have been issues with us finally getting together, distance in living, myself having someone close by as well as her. Well it finally happened, and we were very happy at first. The issue at hand is though, she is still in love with her EX, who treated her very poorly I might add, but she still loves and cares for him. Now she is afraid that our relationship might not work because of this, she feels that she can’t give her heart back to me as she once did so long ago because she doesn’t know how. I am concerned for her and love her more than life itself. I want nothing more than to see her happy and to be apart of that happiness she has. It has also come up that she might possibley be caring “our” child. I fear that this may be a cause for her recent actions, I know sometimes I get frustrated with her, seeing that she is back and forth between my house and her par
parents, (3 hours away). I get frustrated because she does not take very good care of herself when she is away, she has been on and off sick and decides to go out everyday or stay up all night. It upsets me because I don’t want her to get worse. But now, I just don’t know what to do, I need some real guidance on how to help the situation and save our relationship. Thank you.

Best answer(s):

Answer by xtratabasco
to long to read

Answer by BH
She’s no good to anyone (romantically) until she can make up her mind what (or rather who) she wants. Until she puts the ex issue away for good, do not move forward with this relationship.

However whether y’all stay together as a couple or not, it appears you are going to be parents. Make sure you take care of your responsibilities there regardless.

Good luck.

Answer by LUX
I’m sorry she’s still in love with her jerk of an ex. It crazy the way we woman hold onto guys who aren’t good for us. I can’t answer why she still is in love with him because all of us have different reasons for the things we do. As for her not taking care of herself and not sure if she pregnant tell her that until she is sure take care of herself and if she finds out she’s not then she can go back to staying up all hours of the night. And if she is then she’s done the right thing. As for you helping her with her EX, she needs to figure that one out for herself. I know that’s not what you want to hear but there’s nothing you can do for her. She needs to figure that one out. Help her when she asks and treat her good. She’ll eventually see.

Answer by mikah_smiles
Wow, that’s pretty harsh, but unfortunately, you can’t force her to open up to you and grow into the adult you want her to be. Right now, it sounds like she still wants to be a child and needs the support of her parents the way a teen would be. Adults need their parents, but not to the same extent that she seems to need hers.

You’ve been very patient with her and very caring, and that’s all that you can do. Sit her down, tell her that you’re always there for her, and that she can talk to you about anything. Point out that you are not her ex, and that you would never treat her as badly as he did. That you want this relationship to work for yourself, but also for your child (should there be one). Offer to help her in any way you can.

BUT, explain to her that you need to watch out for your own feelings too. That you don’t want to be hurt, either, and you need to know if she’s committed to this relationship, because right now, it feels like she’s not opening up to you.

Also, why not talk to her parents? If you’re concerned that much about her, call them and tell them about your worries. You don’t have to mention that she might be pregnant, but explain to them that you think she’s not taking care of herself. They might not be aware that there is a problem, and a lot of parents are blind when it comes to their own children’s problems.

Good luck! I really hope the two of you can work it out. Stay strong.

Answer by mj
Honestly, this is one of those questions, I can’t possibly have a complete answer to. There are so many issues interwoven in your message, and so many questions I would have to ask in an effort to give you a good answer here.

I would see a therapist if I were in your shoes. I wouldn’t go as far as couples counseling just yet….but it could go to that in the future. You seem to have alot on your mind that you need to vent…and it is apparently causing you a tremendous amount of stress.

Therapy, isn’t a bad thing. There’s nothing wrong with having someone you can talk to, without worry of them judging you. Getting all of this off your chest will help relieve some stress, AND the therapist can ask you questions that will help them help you. The end result of therapy is that you leave feeling confident in your own decision.

Answer by webguru1311
It sounds as though your fiance is dealing with some personal issues… issues that only she can resolve. Unfortunatey, there is nothing you can do to “fix” the situation. The troubling thing is that you are planning to marry this woman– and she’s still in love with her ex!

If you truly wish for her happiness, you have to let her be free and make that decision for herself. You can’t force her to love you as more than a friend, and it sounds as though she is doing everything she can to avoid commitment and sabotage the possibility of a healthy relationship with you. This probably has nothing to do with you, but rather with her own insecurities and negative patterns. Regardless, marriage at this point would be a huge mistake– as marriage only complicates problems within a relationship rather than solving them.

If you are really having a child together, it is your responsibility to be a father to that child 100%. Therefore you will need to maintain a healthy communication with this woman. Aside from that, give her some space to figure out what she wants. If it’s not you, then let her go. You deserve to be with someone who knows exactly what she wants– you. Don’t compromise yourself.

Answer by Gaia
She’s still in love with a man who treated her like shit (typical woman) so although this goes against your nature and you will find it really really hard, you may want to see what happens when you treat her a little poorly.

I wonder what would happen if you went to your parents for a while? Stayed out very late without calling? Show less interest in her? I would suggest you need to do a little experimenting with her to see if she likes a taste of her own medicine.

If the experimenting has no effect just be there for the child and find someone else. Best of luck