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Why did I start to fall for my f-buddy, but he didn’t feel the same?

Posted in Child Care on 25th August 2012

Why did I start to fall for my f-buddy, but he didn’t feel the same?
When we met, it was very casual. 7 months later, we’ve been talking for hours, he comes round for non-sexual stuff as well as anything else (and no, not because he thinks it’ll get him sex, stuff like putting up a shelf), we chat for hours on end on the phone, and talk about sports, family, jobs, frustrations, etc.

It seems we’ve talked and laughed more, recently, than we’ve had sex.

I’m not saying he is falling for ME, and quite frankly I don’t believe he is – despite the increase in talking and sharing stories etc – but all the same, last night (after some advice from here) I sent him a text telling him I wanted to start to see him a little more seriously. It wasn’t a bunny-boiling text.

He gave me the answer I was dreading…basically a “no can do” reply but that he will “call” me when he’s “in your area just to say hi, other than that, take care”.

He has 2 young children and is recently divorced. He is 33.

I replied that I was disappointed (esp after 7 months) and that I felt a little upset that that was it. But he didn’t reply. He is a terrible texter and can’t spell, which totally betrays what he is like when he talks (animated and very expressive), so I was hoping that maybe he was just expressing himself badly. But then, he didn’t exactly pick the phone up to call me. He simply sent the text I described.

This happened at work about 3 hours ago and I was so upset I had to go to the bathroom and cry for a good fifteen minutes.

I know he “cares” for me, and like I say, we were talking about much more personal stuff and having fun without even having sex, but why haven’t his feelings developed? Just last week he told my last boyfriend must be “absolutely devastated” and when I asked why, he said “well, he lost you, didn’t he?”

The thing is, we’ve been through this before, in Nov, where I asked him to leave me alone if he can’t be a little more serious about me, and to only return if he wanted more, so when he DID return a month later, I assumed he wanted more, so why has he said no, when he knows that was my condition for him ever coming back?
Are you stupid, Bently? I am SINGLE!

Best answer(s):

Answer by Bentley
Talk to your husband about this.

Answer by pat z
This seems to be a “classic” mistake: he was your “f-buddy”. That precludes having a serious, committed relationship, regardless of the amount of time spent in each other’s company.
He obviously doesn’t want to change whatever you once had.
If you want something different, you may have to find it elsewhere — and this time, be clear about what you want from the beginning. It’ll help.

Answer by TreyMacG
A relationship that starts with sex is bound to get serous for at least one of the people. And you do have a relationship. He is obviously not in the same place as you. If you are looking for a committed relationship it probably isn’t with him. He came back for the sex and you let him. This is all about choices, you make them so choose wisely!

Answer by leggos
it sounds like you guys are in terminal lack of clarity. you want more but you are willing to have sex without more. when he came back it’s understandable that you expected he wanted more, but i am guessing that you didn’t clarify that. why not? that was, in my opinion, your big mistake. you have to make him be clear and be clear yourself. and that is hard after not seeing one and other for a while and having a strong base of friendship.
and then texting serious stuff is a big no-no for me. why didn’t you speak in person. you should be able to speak your piece from a grounded centered place and stand your ground (and i know it’s hard when you feel for him and are maybe lonely too) and not waver.
the answer is evident in your question in which you call him your F buddy. if it is clear that he is that, then you are not serious.
perhaps if you had asked he would have said “no” i don’t want to be serious, just friends or just F buddies. or maybe he would say i just want to be friends and you would end up slipping into F buddies.
you can perhaps fill your life more with other people: family deep friendships with women friends and join a hiking club or a theatre class or a dance class. start bubbling and you will see that there are some guys who would love to be your one and only and visa versa. don’t waste your time with someone who is wasting your time. even if he’s nice, charming and many other things.
stand your ground woman! he won’t do it for you! no one will!

Answer by cant think
i think you should give him space, he is obviously not ready for anything serious, as you ve mentioned, he just got divorced, if you guys having so much fun , just talking, right now. just do whatever is fun, why get serious, why have obligations, for his defense, he just got out a marriage, , i think its the best for you to give him some times, let him feel that he needs you , he will not make a mistake like he did with his last marriage, whenever he is ready for a serious commitment,thats where you will be, but also let him know, you are also looking for someone that are serious, if you met the Mr. right , and you will not be around too long, dont get me wrong, he may never get serious, what you feel is pretty much what you feel, assuming what he feels, may not be right 50% of time, if you can live with it, to have a fantastic conversations, and awesome time with this guy, you will have to make some compromises, knowing that what you are putting in may not get returns, you will feel better, because there is no expectation. you need put your heart straight, what you are doing is just having fun,, you are a free agent, you can meet someone want the same thing, maybe right now he is not seeing what is right in front of his eyes, but time will change, and people will change, and if you dont see the change, if you dont see anything is happening for a about a year time, you will know, its the best for you to look for someone wants the same thing..

Answer by MM
Maybe he assumed right back that because you didn’t stick to your guns and insist on confirming that you were in a real relationship before you took him back, you weren’t really that serious about it and he could carry right on just displaying enough concern to keep you involved with him in the bedroom. Wondering why he doesn’t want more isn’t going to get you anywhere. He doesn’t, and if it hasn’t happened by now, it won’t. Time to move on for real and set stricter boundaries from the outset with the next guy.

By the by, if you don’t want people assuming you’re married, you should probably post in Singles & Dating next time.

Answer by iyamacog
Probably because he doesn’t wish to get emotionally involved with a married woman. Like you say, he’s only your f-buddy, and your ‘conditions’ don’t mean diddly squat…….♥♥

Answer by Tough Kid
Do you really think he came back because he could fulfill your condition?That is Not the reason.He came back because he felt that since you are a person who could be a F Buddy,you probably could give him sex again with No strings attached.He came back cause he was horny and anyway you too allowed him to have sex with you without having to give commitment.You have started your relationship on a wrong note.He won’t be serious with you if he knows you could be someone involved in casual sex and be somebody’s F Buddy.By the way,are you sure he is really divorced or is he still with his wife?Anyway whatever it is,he will Not want a serious relationship with you too because if he was divorced he probably will Not want a relationship so soon especially with someone whom he always just had casual sex with.He would rather look for a woman who will Not so easily climb onto bed with him for a serious relationship.If he is still married,in the first place he can Not be committed to you because he already has a wife.I suggest you forget him.Even if he has sex lesser with you now,it does Not mean he is getting serious with you,it means his fiery sexual passion for you has gone down,since he has been having sex with you for some time,of course the interest will die down.Chatting or laughing more with you doesn’t mean he Loves you,it just means he is lonely or bored and wants to talk to somebody.Just forget him and get a proper boyfriend.

Can CPS take my baby if I didn’t receive prenatal care until 35 weeks?

Posted in Child Care on 2nd April 2012

Can CPS take my baby if I didn’t receive prenatal care until 35 weeks?
I was told by someone that CPS could take away my baby if I did not receive any prenatal care at all. This is my 4th (and final) pregnancy. I have 3 healthy children, have never had any complications during pregnancy at all, all 3 previous children were born at 40 weeks 3 days and were born naturally. I got put into a complicated situation regarding health insurance and did not qualify for state assistance until I took my maternity leave from work. I have been to the doctor twice (once to confirm my pregnancy and once for another reason) and have called my doctor with a pregnancy related question once. I just went in for an appointment after getting insurance squared away, and was treated very rudely by the nurses and asked a lot of odd questions like “do you have adequate power and water?”. I was also asked several times if I take drugs (the answer is no). I was told during my first appointment my due date, but when I went back they did a sonogram (while the tech kept rudely remarking that there was no documentation done at 20 weeks and now she had to do all of this when it was harder or impossible to get readings), but they found out my original due date was incorrect and that I was actually 35 weeks pregnant (farther along that we thought). With my last pregnancy we moved from another state when I was 35 weeks, and I never received a sonogram until then (as the other state didn’t do it and some insurances deem them “unnecessary” and won’t pay for them – this was told to me by my doctor). I also was refused care with two of my pregnancies at the same clinic I am going to now by a certain receptionist (she wouldn’t even let me back) because my medicaid was pending or because I had health insurance instead of medicaid! She’s the reason I didn’t even try to make an appointment until I had it squared away, and I did inform my doctor’s that I was having trouble getting it months ago and they didn’t say anything at all. Now they are telling me I could have come in for two more visits without it and treating me like I’m a horrible person because I didn’t come in before now. I have taken care of myself and baby the whole time. I didn’t take anything harmful, ate nutritious foods, have actually gained more weight than I did with the others, and have gone to the doctor if I needed to (but have not needed to, I exercise regularly and am in good health). Now someone told me they can report it to CPS and can take my baby away if I don’t receive any prenatal care at all, and they said they may still try since I’m getting “late prenatal care”. I can not find anything that says this is true (only cases where they took the baby away for no prenatal care AND the mother/baby testing positive for drugs). Is this true? Can they take away my baby for me not getting prenatal care until 35 weeks?
Thanks for answers so far. I want to point out: That, YES, I am aware complications can occur at any time, but I know my body and IF I had any symptoms or abnormalities, I would have gone to the ER immediately. The only reason I did not receive prenatal care is because the clinic I go to has denied seeing me for not having medicaid (and I had other health insurance)/pending medicaid TWICE with previous pregnancies and I did call and discuss this with my doctor, who did not offer me -any- insight on how to get any form of insurance or what to do if I did not qualify for medicaid, until AFTER I went back – then they tell me I could have come in for two more visits without medicaid or insurance. I also want to point out that one of the times I was refused service, was because I was waiting for the state I moved from to close out my medicaid case and my case worker for this state even called them and told them what we were waiting on and that I was approved and I was 39 weeks pregnant at t
time. The receptionist told me I could not come back in with pending medicaid and that I would just have to go to the ER if I went into labor, that they wouldn’t see me again. That is the main reason that I waited until my insurance/medicaid was completely 100% in order -before- going back to the doctor’s office, because I knew she would just tell me they couldn’t see me if I tried to. In fact, when I went to the clinic for my appointment that I scheduled, they sent me over to check into the ER for all my testing they needed to get done because she said they couldn’t see me at the clinic because I waited too long. I had an appointment, I showed up for it, and nothing was mentioned until I got there (even though I had been in 3 times to get information out of my chart for Medicaid and I called to make the appointment). I swear, this receptionist has it out for me.

Best answer(s):

Answer by melissa_gonzalez18
as far as taking your baby i don’t know but my sister in law did have to deal with cps for not getting prenatel care she didnt get her baby taken away but she did have to deal with cps for awhile.

Answer by Tiff
Although what you have done was not smart at all because every pregnancy is different and the more you’ve been pregnant the higher the percentage for complications, as long as there is no drug use and the baby is healthy then no they can’t take your baby. And yes they are treating you like that because if you have had 3 children then you should be well aware of major complications that happen everyday.

Answer by Carrie
They ask everyone the same questions about drugs and electricity. They will probably just want to make sure that your baby has a safe home to go to. You and the baby will probably be drug tested but a social worker will come in and talk to you after you have the baby. As long as you are doing everything right you will be fine. They just want what is best.

Answer by TTC #2
there should be no reason to try to take your baby away from you.

You have every right to refuse medical advice or assistance in any situation. And HOW DARE those people be so rude to you. It’s not like you dont know what you’re doing, you’ve done it 3 times already.

If i were you i would put in a written complaint about how rudely you have been treated by the nurses.

*IF* CPS gets involved, just co operate with them, explain things to them, and that will be that.

Answer by Shannon
The first thing they will assume is you use drugs, get used to that because it’s not going to end, even when your in labor they will ask and check you and the baby.
Once they see you don’t, you might have CPS in your buissness for a bit but they can’t take your baby unless you are an unfit parent because of living conditions or drugs, or you do not have the basics that a baby needs like diapers and a place to sleep etc.
Don’t sweat it unless you have done something wrong, if not then nothing can happen to you.
Prenatal care is important, and necesary because every pregnancy is different, even if you had no complications with the last 3, preclampsia and placenta issues can still occur.
However, prenatal care isn’t the law. Many women don’t even get it and stick to hiring a doula to home birth.

Answer by Megan
Simply the answer is no they aren’t going to take your child away from you based on the fact that you got late prenatal care. With that being said, a social worker or nurse at the hospital could still call in a report but most likely if that is the only issue/concern they are reporting it will be taken down as a documented call and not an actual report.

DCSS saying I filed for child support when I didn’t – why?

Posted in Child Support on 2nd February 2012

DCSS saying I filed for child support when I didn’t – why?
I live in Riverside, ca. I keep getting these stupid letters from DCSS about my “child support” case. I’ve never tried to establish child support. I live with the father of my kid. When I called them they couldn’t even give me a logical answer. I figured as soon as I said I’ve never filed for child support that would be end of discussion..WRONG. Now they are sending letters to the father of my kid saying he is going to be sued? This is really bizarre. How can anyone sue him when child support was never even filed? My letters say stuff like “your child support case has been opened” and they even gave me a pin? This is super annoying. HELP!

Best answer(s):

Answer by cottonlily84
Yes, that is quite unnusual. Are you positive you’ve never filed any type of domestic child case against the father? It could very well be mistaken identity or address, but to send notice addressed to your child’s father is too much for coincidence. You should call the Family Court Records office at your courthouse to see what they can do for you. Trust me, they have enough legit cases to pursue. I don’t think they’d mind dropping one! I bet it will need a Judge’s order though.

Answer by Soozie Q
Do you and/or your child receive any kind of government assistance? If so, it doesn’t matter if you want to get child support from the father. The government will get him to pay for his child instead of them having to.

If you don’t receive any kind of aid then I would say there has been some kind of mix up.

Answer by philbrigman
Have you filed for benefits through DCSS? Part of most government programs is to insure that anyone applying for benefits has taken every possible avenue for income. When you applied, you probably had to state on a form that you had a child, gave the fathers name and address, and stated that you were not receiving any child support. In this case, the state could file for child support on your behalf.