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Edit my work diary please! (English gr12)?

Posted in Working Mothers on 29th May 2011

Edit my work diary please! (English gr12)?
I’m doing a ‘work diary’ in English (grade 12 university prep) where I have to find a lie and a quote about that lie. I’m doing the lie ‘dismissal’ for the book ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’. I’m Canadian if that matters.

I’d like to ask the internet’s help in editing with my work diary, as I did not do well in grammar / sentence structure in my last essay and I still do not understand some of the corrections my teacher made.

* means I can’t decide which phrase to use
_______________________________________________

Of all the different types of lies in the world, dismissal is by far the most painful lie of all. Dismissal is an act that involves one party to disregard or reject another party for a trivial, and sometimes non-existent reason. Some people dismiss others for the sake of convenience, while others dismiss due to a feeling of superiority, or even to gain superiority, but no matter the reason for dismissal, somebody is being hurt. Even though the reasons for dismissal are often meager, the consequences of dismissal can be extraordinary. *There is nothing more painful in this world than to yell at the top of your lungs knowing that you will not be heard.
Chiyo is a young girl who has been sold off to a okiya (geisha house) and is working as a maid at the house. She lives to serve the owners of the okiya, ‘Grandmother’ and ‘Mother’, and the only geisha at the okiya, Hatsumomo. Hatsumomo is a beautiful geisha, but her personality couldn’t be more contradictory to her appearance. Grandmother and Mother are both obsessed with money and will take any means necessary to maintain or increase their income, and unfortunately for Chiyo, any means necessary includes humoring Hatsumomo’s wild antics.

‘”Oh Mother, I know just what you’re going to say, I feel terrible about the kimono. I tried to stop Chiyo before she put ink on it, but it was too late.”…
“There’ll be none of that,” said Mother. “Now you listen to me, Hatsumomo. You don’t really think anyone is empty-headed enough to believe your little story… The maid saw the girl (Chiyo) doing it. The girl will pay”‘ (Golden 76)

Hatsumomo is a cruel, manipulative creature that has taken a habit in tormenting Chiyo just for the sake of seeing her suffer. In this case, Hatsumomo and her friend have stolen a kimono from the geisha Mameha, whom they both hate, and forced Chiyo to ruin the kimono by writing on it with ink. When Grandmother and Mother found out about this prank, they were furious at the of having to pay for it, and even though they do not believe Hatsumomo’s story for a second, they do not dare punish her in fear of hurting the main source of income for the okiya. Hatsumomo knows of the power she holds as the only geisha working in the okiya and flaunts it freely in order to make Chiyo suffer as much as possible. As a result of the greed of Grandmother and Mother, Chiyo is dismissed as another mouth to feed, putting her at the mercy of Hatsumomo’s wrath.

*Nothing hurts more than to yell at the top of your lungs knowing that nobody will listen
The quotation integration and paragraph structure are correct, I just need help with grammar and sentence structure. Anything that makes it sound better is welcome!

Best answer(s):

Answer by devotchka
Of all the types of lies in this world, dismissal is by far the most painful. It is defined by the act of disregarding or rejecting someone for trivial or non-existent reasons. Some may dismiss others for convenience sake, while others may do so to gain feelings of superiority. No matter the reason, the end result is hurtful to those on the receiving end. Because of this, the consequences of dismissal can be extraordinary, even when the reasons behind it are meager. There is nothing more painful in this world than to yell at the top of your lungs, knowing that you will not be heard.

Chiyo is a young girl who has been sold off to an okiya (geisha house), employed to be a maid in the household. She lives to serve the owners of the okiya, ‘Grandmother’, ‘Mother’, and the only geisha of the okiya, Hatsumomo. Hatsumomo is a beautiful geisha, but her personality couldn’t be more contradictory to her appearance. Because both Grandmother and Mother are obsessed with money, they will take any means necessary to maintain and/or increase their income. Unfortunately for Chiyo, any means necessary includes humoring Hatsumomo’s wild antics.

Hatsumomo is a cruel, manipulative creature who has taken a liking to tormenting Chiyo, just for the sake of seeing Chiyo suffer. In this example, Hatsumomo and her friend have stolen a kimono from the geisha Mameha (an enemy of Hatsumomo’s), and have forced Chiyo to ruin the kimono by writing on it with ink. When Grandmother and Mother found out about this prank, they are furious for having to pay for the damages:

“”Oh Mother, I know just what you’re going to say, I feel terrible about the kimono. I tried to stop Chiyo before she put ink on it, but it was too late.”…
“There’ll be none of that,” said Mother. “Now you listen to me, Hatsumomo. You don’t really think anyone is empty-headed enough to believe your little story… The maid saw the girl (Chiyo) doing it. The girl will pay”‘ (Golden 76)

Even though they do not believe Hatsumomo’s story, they don’t dare punish her for fear of hurting the main source of income for the okiya. Hatsumomo knows the power she holds as the only geisha working in the okiya, and flaunts this power freely in order to make Chiyo suffer as much as possible. As a result of the greed of Grandmother and Mother, Chiyo is dismissed as another mouth to feed, putting her at the mercy of Hatsumomo’s wrath.