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Defend - Baby-sitting & Childcare

How Do I Defend My Right To Parent My Child My Way?

Posted in Child Care on 16th April 2012

How Do I Defend My Right To Parent My Child My Way?
I have a very rambunctious 2 1/2 year old boy. My husband and I have a strict but loving approach to parenting him that works for all of us. My son is very aware of our house rules and what kind of behavior we find unacceptable (ie: hitting, kicking, tantrums) and places he is not allowed to play (ie: the garage, the driveway or road, the bathroom). At home he does remarkably well and just seems to know that he shouldn’t do these things. He rarely tests these limits with us at home. I should add that we take the stern approach because he has an unusual tendancy towards being blatantly unaware of danger. (Example: if left to play some stairs, he will in fact hurl himself down them EVERY SINGLE TIME unless he is supervised when doing it… in which case he will ask to hold your hand and go down properly) Our rules ensure his safety until he can better control himself.

As any toddler however, he does test these limits when we are visiting with other friends that have children. This of course means we are having to constantly remind and reinforce what is considered unsafe or unacceptable behavior. We often need to speak sternly, then give a warning, then he gets a time out.

My problem comes into play with all our friends! They are constantly interrupting us and saying “he’s fine!”, “let him check it out”, “who cares?”, “lighten up”, or my personal favorite, “he’s only 2, he doesn’t understand what ‘no’ means”. It infuriates me! I hate having to defend why we parent the way we do because they do not know him the way we do. I do not wish to parent the way they do (as a friend said the other day, “let him fall down the stairs a few times, he’ll learn”).

If you were me, how would you POLITELY defend how you’re parenting and basically ask them not to give their opinion. What I’d like to say is not appropriate. And these are all good friends of ours. This is the only issue I have.

***As a last note, to help you understand why we are so vigilant about his safety, you need to know something vital. My son was born at 23 weeks gestation… 4 months early. He spent 6 months in the hospital and had 6 surgeries. He is currently perfectly healthy with no noticeable affects, but that does not mean a serious injury wouldn’t mean a serious complication health-wise for him. My friends all know this, but I think since he’s healthy now they think I’m an over-bearing mother.

Why the hell do I have to defend what I’m doing. Every time they make a comment I feel like a POS mommy!!!!!!!
To further clarify: I actually let my son test a lot of his limits. He runs barefoot, climbs things, wrestles, digs, gets dirty… all that stuff. But my friends kids are all slightly older (6-12 years old) and are permitted to run out of sight, ride bikes in the road, run up and down the stairs chasing each other, hit each other playing…. things that my son is not yet permitted to do. They are also not mature enough to “keep an eye out for him” either. We’ve tried. Horrible failure. They all ran back inside to play and left him outside by himself and shut the door on him.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Jill
You could gracefully tell them, “Thank you, but I know how to parent my own kid.” Or you could say, “Noted and rejected.”

Answer by danin
I think you may need to step back a little and realise you could be over reacting also?

It sounds like you have protected him and nutured him with amazing and loving guidance, but if he hurls himself down the stairs “Every single time” and has normal pain reflexes, then he is not hurting himself.

Yes he was born premmie, so be it, and I can understand your concern but I have girlfriend who has a gorgeous 6 year old daughter who was 23 weeks gestation. She runs jumps, plays on the trampoline, gets scrapes on her knees..

Maybe your friends see your stress and are trying to release you from it. Give you a break when your son plays with their children. Are you telling them that you think they aren’t good parents either and that the only way to parent is your way?

Let your son enjoy himself and maybe consider that he has little wrong with him and if he breaks a leg, well then that is life and welcome to the life of a parent.

Answer by Samantha
The nicest way to tell the you dont appreciate it is by when they say something like that just look at them and put you finger over your lips like in a polite way telling them shut up lol. But its good that you do that POS parents lighten up a whole lot. 🙂

Answer by Beachblonde
Hi hun, you need to tell your friends that you can parent just as well as they can, and explain to them that your child’s needs are different, even though he is a healthy boy..But maybe you can try diffrent soulutions than you regularly would! For an example: Your son wants to help you cook. He asks to put the pan in the oven, but you consider that dangerous. You tell him he can pour the milk in the bowl, and he can do that when he is older.

hope this helped!

Answer by TTC #2
‘Oh… i thought i was his mother?’

‘He came out of ME, i’ll decide.’ (or ‘He came out of MY vagina, i’ll decide!’ if applicable).

My toddler is the same, very well behaved at home, but likes to push it when out and about. Especially with other kids ‘they can do it, why can’t i?’ kind of thing.

Just remind him BEFORE you go out that he needs to do as he’s told, or you will be punishing him. or coming straight home, not going again. whichever suits your needs.

Answer by alicialions
I’m impressed…sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your son! As for your friends telling you to lighten up etc…if what you thought to say seems inappropriate, maybe you should rethink that because your friends don’t have a problem opening their mouths to tell you what they think you should do…OPEN your mouth and tell them what you think they should do…which of course is to firmly and politely, mind your own business. We are raising our kids the way we choose as you are doing with yours…if you are a true friend, you will respect my right to do this. If you say that to them, they’ll soon make it clear if they are a true friend or not.

Answer by Sara
Just turn round and say each to their own and as for the notion that a 2 year old doesn’t understand the word no ask all those mothers who’s children throw tantrums when they are told No, they understand it perfectly well, I’ve heard the excuse for a 4 year old saying they are too young to understand, rubbish. You are doing a good job and are raising him well, just think you can look back in a few years when they are having problems with out of control teens and think you know what I got it right.

Answer by Simpatica Amiga
i second “Noted and rejected.” BAM!!!

Answer by Diane
I personally think you’re overreacting, and if you really thought you were good at parenting, you’d just step up, say you are the parent here, and let it be.

A 2 year old can understand the word no, but maybe doesn’t understand WHY you are saying no.

2 year olds are supposed to get bruises, scrapes, cuts, the same as a 6 year old. He is healthy now, so it’s healthy he wants to do certain things. Things that can KILL him, no, don’t let him, but things that he’ll learn from his mistakes, then let him.

If he falls and starts to cry, he won’t go there again.

I agree with Danin, everyone has different parenting, but we all should try something different and learn from that.

Answer by Smiling Simon
I only read the headline; WHY do you feel a need to defend yourself. Defending yourself just creates arguments and demonstrates that you are not completely secure in what you are doing. If you respect others’ rights to bring up their children their way, maybe they will respect yours.

Obviously no parent is perfect, and being a little flexible can be a good thing.

Good Luck – I wish more parents were like you!

Defend Your Country, have IL State take all your money for Child Support. Is this fair?

Posted in Child Support on 29th April 2011

Defend Your Country, have IL State take all your money for Child Support. Is this fair?
Fighting for his country; fighting against Ill.
Thursday, July 24, 2008 | 5:05 PM

By Chuck Goudie

(WLS) — It is a story of fractured families, empty bank accounts and missing money.

When the I-Team received an email from Army Sergeant Joshua Hinkle a few weeks ago, it first caught our attention because it was sent from Camp Bucca in Iraq.

The soldier wrote that he was suffering a great injustice: the state of Illinois, he claimed, had cleaned out his entire bank account for child support.

“They went into my bank account and they took it, they took it down to the penny,” said Hinkle, who’s with the Illinois National Guard.

The I-Team spoke with Sergeant Hinkle by a webcam link-up, after he had provided bank records and military pay stubs that seemed to back up his serious allegations.

“The state of Illinois child collection support, child collection agency basically stole $ 4,000 from me without any notification or anything for child support they say I owe and I disagree with,” Hinkle said.

As you might imagine, the situation is slightly more complex. Hinkle, of the Quad Cities, has been stationed in Basra province for the past seven months. It is his second Iraq tour. Hinkle was first there as a regular army officer when the war began. He has a son, 10-year-old Cody.

“I had a child very young; we were still in high school. And, uh, once I joined active duty, we set up the child support payment system and we’ve had problems with them ever since,” Hinkle said.

And he has a 2-year-old daughter, Scarlett. His children have different mothers.

Hinkle says, and the state agrees, that he kept up with all required child support payments except for a period between assignments in Iraq, when he struggled with employment.

Since being back on the military’s payroll as a reservist, full child support, including installments for the missed payments, have been withdrawn from his Army paychecks until June, when the state put a lien on his bank account and took it all.

“I don’t know how it is legal. Even if I was at home, how is it legal to take 100 percent of my income?” Hinkle said.

It is legal for the state to take whatever money he makes until it’s all paid.

An email sent to Hinkle in Iraq from the Illinois Division of Child Support says, “We show the past due debt to be $ 15,291.78, which is a total due for two separate child support cases.”

Even though what Hinkle owes in back pay qualifies him for the public list of deadbeat dads, his picture isn’t on it. But as the state Web site promises, the child support division will use all available enforcement tools to collect, regardless of whether a person is serving in Iraq.

“In the case of, certainly, this soldier, it sounds like they’re not acting in the best interests of the child by financially trying to destroy one of the parents,” said Mark Schario, American Coalition for Fathers and Children.

Child support experts say Hinkle and other GIs stationed overseas have no recourse, nor are they protected by laws intended to make sure soldiers do not lose jobs and other benefits while serving.

“I’ve contacted them on numerous occasions,” Hinkle said. “I’ve emailed them. They emailed me once. Every time I call I’m on hold for approximately 20 to 40 minutes and over here, that is a long time because we have to use phone cards.”

“That soldier is serving in Iraq and can’t be back here to represent himself that’s not by his choice, he’s serving his country,” Schario said.

“It has definitely made life stressful over here,” Hinkle said. “I hate checking my bank account. I hate checking my email. We work 12 hours a day, six days a week. And it has, it’s made life really unbearable over here.”

The state initially sent a generic statement praising those in the military but noting the importance of paying child support:

“The Department of Healthcare and Family Services has the utmost respect and admiration for those who protect and defend our nation overseas. Illinois state law gives the Department the authority to help parents receive the child support they deserve, and the law provides multiple avenues to help us do that. While we are cognizant of the concerns some may have when forced to pay child support, it is important to remember that the money is going to support their children.”

On Wednesday in Iraq, Sergeant Hinkle received an e-mail from the state informing him he now owes more than $ 18,000 in back payments and that if he disagrees, he should send them evidence from Iraq.

Most puzzling is what happened to all that money the state seized from his account in June. The boy’s mother said she hasn’t seen any of it.

SERVICEMEMBERS CIVIL RELIEF ACT
http://www.usdoj.gov/crt/military/scratext.htm

ILLINOIS CHILD SUPPORT
http://www.ilchildsupport.com

AMERICAN COALITION FOR FATHERS AND CHILDREN
http://www.acfc.org/site/PageServer

Best answer(s):

Answer by The Mrs.
What does him being a solider have to do with anything other than the fact he was out of the country at the time? I support our solders, I have several friends and friend’s husbands who have done numerous tours (one has done 4)…but I am sick of it being used an excuse for special treatment.

There were many things done wrong here…obviously the first being he didn’t pay. But this should have come out of his paycheck like it is when other’s have their wages garnished. His bank account shouldn’t have been touch without his permission. The government also should have notified him prior to garnishing his wages.

But the real thing I find disturbing is that the mother has not seen any of the money. Someone is lying here.

Answer by tigersalamander2006
I used to be in a Men’s divorce group. Every single man was double dipped-charged twice by child support agencies (that “lost” receipts and either the father had to provide evidence or HE HAD TO REPAY, usually in the $ $ $ thousands.)

My ex-wife is a little emotionally unstable and has moved a lot in the past ten years. Because of that I’ve had 3 states going after me for child support! One state demanded payment of $ 1,000 (I had paid it to the court ordered state.) Another state defended me but it took a year to clear up my records. Meanwhile your credit is affected, you lost your license to drive, any work license you have and your passport.

When I was first divorced, I was unemployed
(my ex wife had called the job & I was fired-they didn’t want to deduct child support and wanted nothing to do “with the government.”) At that time One judge INCREASED my child support-he didn’t care I was unemployed.

Women get free lawyers and can harrass a guy til they wear him down financially. If the laws that feminists created were carried out in a fair manner, hatred against feminists would largely disappear overnight.

Answer by littleviv2000
The Mrs.: “There were many things done wrong here…obviously the first being he didn’t pay.”

From the body of the question: “Hinkle says, and the state agrees, that he kept up with all required child support payments except for a period between assignments in Iraq, when he struggled with employment.”

The only time he didn’t pay was when he was having problems with employment. I thought Child Support was based on your wage, if you aren’t making a wage, how can you owe? And how could it come up to over $ 15K, and then to $ 18K AFTER the $ 4K was taken? When he was employed, he was paying, and the state agrees with that, so why did they do what they did, and then not give the money they cleared out of his account to the person he owed the support to, the mother/s of his child/ren?

Answer by ARTY
The Friend of the court has been known for it’s unethical practice like the one you just described.

There has been several cases where the Friend of the court in several states would take an enormous amount of money from the person who was ordered to pay child support, and not send it to the person who has custody of the children.

Basically, the Friend of the court is all about screwing both parties involved in the process.

Answer by Super Ruper
Presently, I live in a country that has absolutely no laws enforcing support of children. There are no dead beat dad laws, but there are, literally, thousands of dead beat dads. Many have in excess of 10 children, all with different mothers. And they feel no obligation to support those children. The result? A country rife with violence and very little caring for human life or decency.

It has long been discussed that the root of the country’s problems lie in the issue of irresponsible parenting and support, yet no laws are enacted to enforce this.

I suggest you be grateful to live in a country that puts the welfare of children ahead of other issues. And that deadbeat dad laws are, obviously, as effective and efficient as they are.

Answer by iblockidiots
Welcome to America – “the freest country in the world.”

I’m sure all this forced support is really encouraging men to be better, involved fathers.

Not!

Answer by James S
“There are, literally, thousands of dead beat dads. Many have in excess of 10 children, all with different mothers. And they feel no obligation to support those children.”

Gee who decided to have sex with 10 different men?

The mothers!

Who irresponsibly decided not to use birth control dispite having 20 different choices to prevent pregnancy?

The mothers!

Who decided to have their baby instead of having an abortion?

The mothers!

Who decided to keep their baby instead of putting it up for adoption?

The mothers!

Who should be responsible for providing and caring for their children as a direct result of their decision to keep and raise them?

THE MOTHERS!!!