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From close to marriage to mama’s boy syndrome.. ?

Posted in Working Mothers on 13th January 2011

From close to marriage to mama’s boy syndrome.. ?
Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for close to 7 years.. I’m 24 and he is 29, 4 years of those while he has been in the Marines and now he is back. A year before he came back we got engaged and when he came back he wanted to get married immediately and move in together but I tried to explain to him that he had no job and without a job it worried me as to how we are going to make it with only me working. So after numerous fighting about that and about how I felt he slightly changed (although we were emotionally close while he was in the Marines, I still felt a change of attitude) we broke up. We got back together after a month, and we decided to work it out but we were no longer engaged just boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now, a year and a half later we are still boyfriend and girlfriend and with no talks about marriage and even moving in together. He is just focused on taking care of his mother and buying her a house.. now come on.. a house is a 30 year commitment! I really feel cheated out of this because while he was in the Marines he said that we wants to get a house for us two (with the help of his VA home loan he has available) and then he switches it up on me and only talks about how he wants to buy his mom a house? His response to me is as follow: “I have seen my mother work all of her life and since when I first got out of the Marines and things didnt work out b/t you and I, I now want to focus on my mom and making sure she is set in life..”. This gives me so many mixed feelings, I know he wants to take care of his mother and that’s respectable but what about us? The house he used to constantly talk to me about he wanted to get for us is now all about her..? I’m not trying to be selfish here but I feel that he is making it seem like I lost my turn to be first since we broke up and now it’s all about her. He has another brother who he bickers with b/c to him, he is not stepping up as he should. His brother moved out when he was 27 and now he is 34, and he said that he loves his mom and he can give her some money monthly but he A. will never move back home… and B. will not want such a commitment such as a house although he loves his mother.

Also his mother is now more than ever babying him, he is a 29 year old man?! Constantly worrying that he eats properly, and worrying what time he gets home, and if he sleeps adequately.. I get frustrated with him and he says “well, you know mothers..”. I know he loves me very much, but lately he constantly talks about how he is broke and that he has to give his mom money here and there.. he has told her to stop working and it’s really honorable of him to want to take care of her but it has come at our relationship’s expense. This is because now we are more farther away to marriage and moving in together than ever before. Before, I didnt think it was a good idea for us to get married yet because he had no job, and now he is cop and makes decent money but it’s hard for him to save since he has put so much new responsibility on his shoulders (as you can tell I only mention his mom b/c his dad passed away 11 years ago). Sometimes I feel like she wants to replace a husband figure with her son.

Any comments, or advice will be much appreciated!

Best answer(s):

Q & A: “Friends close, enemies closer” is the true .. that’s a good thing?

Posted in Working Mothers on 1st November 2010

question of Jade : “Friends close, enemies closer” is the true .. this is a good thing
Ok, first off, I’m just looking for honest answers and nice .. more if you bitch, I have to say to insult me or move on then … berating answers will not help. I am divorced 39yr recently (Sept. 2007) a man met online in January 2008 for 3 months, which he dates moved in my apt. I am a very independent person. He told me he worked as a mechanic and even “showed” me where he worked. well, I thought. Then he surprised me with a ring in November 2008, and that his parents had bought a house for us (as our credit was not good), so that we would pay them as normal (mortgage payment, etc.) during the whole time he was with me it not for everything … my job my bills so yes stupid of me I see a little late to pay to speak .. but I was deeply in love. Then things started happening. “Brother” great difficulty (as law) is …. Delays in the house, etc. (guess move in Dec) .. and I found out I was preg in Nov. .. But with all the stress and money situation I ended up miscarrying. Devastating, yet am. Then more problems .. his “father” away by my ex father in law died passed. His son (who he sees once a month) mother committed suicide on Halloween. then we get “final move” date and move the day before (and was the lease for my apt), I find out that everything he ever said to me was a lie .. Allllllll it. no job, no house, no money, no brother (only child), his father is not dead, his wife (separated) is not dead, but lives 20 minutes away, and after talking to her he knew was with her all the time I was sleeping with him (while I’m at work, it does not work). and his parents do not live in Montreal, but off 40 minutes, I almost lost my apt, but by the grace of God and one patient hostess before she left me with a 2000 that will be owed. encrypted so that the money including the introduction of my ex-husband fm etc. .. where then the man gets a job (i personally spoken to his boss), he confessed everything. but as always says he loves me so much. Now they say … keep your friends close and your enemies closer … I let him stay, he sleeps in the other room (Room mate) and I get it, pay me half of his bills atleast now and pay histories. I’m too old to do with crap again (the first was with my marriage) I told him he can stay, but there are rules and for the past month he has stuck to them. not talked to the former only if it is his son, I see his pay slip and he gives me what I ask. I met his parents and they tell him everything. horrified when they are very nice ppl were. I put him on a budget and told him money on his son’s responsibility, and begin to see him more than once a month … both his ex and agree to every other weekend (as I did with my own children). Honestly, I’ve seen a change, but we’ll see. He knows (and I) that he will not be any better than me (fm saw his past). Do you believe in giving a second chance, no matter how bad it is btw, I gave the ring back, of course Best answer?.

response from host
you and he have to decide what to do together. Relationships based on trust. If you can not trust him it will not work. I hope you can come to an understanding.


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