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Can’t deal with my bipolar mother anymore!?

Posted in Working Mothers on 3rd September 2012

Can’t deal with my bipolar mother anymore!?
Okay, sorry if this is so long!

My mom basically walked out and left me when I was about 9/10. She would lie to me and say my dad had a restraining order or she was in hospital and couldn’t see me, and often disappeared for months on end without talking to me. The worst was when she got arrested for beating my dads girlfriend in front of me. I have flashbacks of my mom throwing all sorts at my dad (chairs, phones, ect) and my dad never did anything back. She would call me up and tell me she was about to commit suicide and emotionally and mentally abused me. I figured she was bipolar as she’d suffered post-natal depression when I was a baby, as her mother died of cancer while she was pregnant. I’m now seventeen and things are better, but not good. I see her on weekends (though she has a ‘weekend off’, which i find ridiculous). I just want to know what to do. She’s constantly calling me ugly and saying how she has a better love/social life and will openly tell me about her sex life. She is intrusive (at one point she went to my work and quizzed a co-worker about my relationship with a boy). Whenever we get into an argument she says “you’re never gonna see me again” or “you’re saying i’m a bad mother” or “you’ll all know when I run away/ kill myself / arent here anymore”. There was one occasion she asked me to work and when I said I couldn’t as I was seeing friends, she screamed that I was selfish and immature. I’ve been looking for work for about three months and she always says “if I was with you, you’d get a job anywhere straight away” just belittling my work. She also said she thinks i’m lying about applying for jobs. I work voluntarily at a museum and she heard me tell my bos im working all week and then proceeded to say its not real work and why can’t i just cancel to hang around at her work all day. When I said i’d come to her work in the morning, she said im selfish and think the world revolves around me. She always wants to know what im doing and intrudes on my life and seems to thrive off attention. She’s always pretending to be sick or ill to get attention from anyone, and when i don’t give her it, she gets angry and threatans to never see me again. Sometimes i just sit and cry because I know a mother shouldn’t treat her daughter like this. I’m seventeen looking for a job, I do voluntary work, I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs, I spend almost every weekend at home, barely have a social life and I try so hard to do well in school and she just seems discontent and only really pays attention when something bad happens. I hate this and I need help!

Best answer(s):

Answer by jess
Stay far far away from her.Go with your Dad or yourself.

Answer by Carol
Your not helping your mother by caving into her demands, your actually making it worst.

Believe me she is like gum on your she she will never leave you again, your not a child (she probably doesn’t like children because she WANTS ALL the attention. But she has to learn that life is not like that, and you have to be the strong one because she is mentally imbalanced and incapable of right thinking, so you have to force it on her by not caving, so she Will learn the world does not evolve around her. That is IF you EVER want your on life.

Smile when your about to tell her something you know she won’t like (don’t be angry or smirk.) Talk to her like a child, for example “Well Mom I love you but….I’m working toward my Future, and this may not be anything to you but its something I enjoy, and will continue to do. Your a grown woman I can”t babysit you all the time. I need my own life and you do too, I know ir’s scary but there is a whole world out there that we both need to find our niche in. And each of our niche is going to be different, so lets both be brave and seek them.”

Of course you different ways and your own words but this is the over all message you will need to keep repeating in various ways till she finally gets it…and until you do too. Enjoy YOUR life, she had a chance to enjoy hers and doing less it keeping you both from finding your own paths.

My boyfriend of 18 years is bipolar and……?

Posted in Babysitting on 27th December 2010

My boyfriend of 18 years is bipolar and……?
I am trying so hard not to be resentful over everything that I have had to give up to be with him all in the name of love and in trying to “do the right thing”. We have a 16 year old daughter and I wanted her to have both of her parents etc..(I can’t marry him because that would make me financially responsible for his manic spending episodes.)I had to give up finishing college, a wedding, being married, having another child, being financially stable, having someone I could depend on, peace and quiet, having someone not blame everything on me – in other words a “partner”.I know that you always have to make sacrifices in a relationship but I am so weary and tired of “babysitting” him, cleaning up his life messes when he is manic 10 months out of the year. I am so tired of covering for him to friends and family. Does anyone else have this problem? And how are you hanging in there?
Forgot to say that he does see a psychiatrist regularly and does take his medication most of the time. (I count pills without him knowing and or watch him take them without being obvious.) If he starts going manic and reaches a certain level then he will miss a day or two (yeah, maybe three). The medications only keep him from going “full blown manic”. If that makes any sense. Every single person on his maternal side of the family for 4 generations is bipolar. Our daughter has always known that her dad was bipolar.I was never told he was diagnosed bipolar (before he met me) until she was almost two years old. I was 19 years old when I had her and I thought I could do anything I set my mind to. Because of her father she stands up for those who are mentally ill. She has a greater understanding for what they are going thru and has learned compassion for those who are ill. I am just tired out. It gets lonely always being the caretaker and I just wanted to know how others were doing it.

Best answer(s):

Answer by firestarter
You cannot fix broken people. He must come to the conclusion that he needs professional help, get it and stay on his medications. Your child would be happy with one happy parent than with 2 miserable parents. Her strongest male role model is him. She probably will seek out a mate like him. Not a good thing.You can love, bless and release him and leave. You can’t fix him. He has to want to be fixed by those that can.You and your daughter deserve better. Stay friends and get the life you and your daughter deserve. Best wishes.

Answer by Heather
why isn’t he on meds? that would help. you are subjecting a child to this? why did you have her? i understand that you don’t marry for financial reasons, but i don’t understand why he isn’t getting help for it. there are plenty of clinics, and medicare to help pay, but if it’s a financial reason for not getting his medication, how are you supporting a child? why is he manic for so long?

i say get out of the relationship. it’s only harming you and your daughter. he is a grown adult, and needs to start taking responsibility for himself.

i am not saying this to be cruel, but just to try and help you see that you aren’t helping him at all, just making it easier for his moods to swing. you’re his crutch, and since he’s had you for 18 years, he’s thinking you’ll be there for the rest.

Answer by pattywakcrab
Your daughter is 16 years old now and I am sure she is not blind to her fathers ways.. divorce would not be a tragic thing for her at this stage.

If you need peace of mind.. have him committed for a while when he begins to go manic and, take a break.

If he is getting psychological help and he is still having that many episodes.. I suggest changing doctors and trying a different med.
Maybe they could put him on Thorazine and that would keep him knocked out most of the time.

I spent three years of my life with a bi-polar man who medicated himself on booze and what ever kind of narcotic/street drug that he could get his hands on which only made his condition worse.
I had a baby by him and he has never seen her, and this was the best thing for her.. she would have suffered if I had stayed.. he refused to get professional help.

Answer by wv_country_princess
when you are truly tired, you will do something about it… it took me 20 years to get truly tired of crap…

Answer by Warnstedt
as a mild bipolar, even i can say that he needs meds and a psychotherapist, badly. 10 month manic episodes are not healthy. i personally find that people knowing im bipolar right off the bat helps solve a few problems. for one, you don’t have to cover. you cant help the fact that he’s bipolar, but you can help him. not marrying him was a good idea, if only for the financial reason. your daughter no doubt knows that her father has issues he needs to work out, and probably even knows hes bipolar. im sure that she has made some choices in her life that were hard to help him in whatever way she thought she could. she will be for the rest of his, maybe even her, life. all i can say is don’t give up. i know it may not seem it, but im pretty sure that you are one of the few truly solid things in his world. to lose you would be a serious blow to a mind already misfiring.

Answer by SisterGirl
My bipolar husband and I have been together – and apart – for 15 years. I too am bipolar but I am conscientious about my meds and when I feel that one of them is not working, I get in my doctor’s face until I find one that works.

Ten months out of the year is Way Too Long for a manic episode. Something is wrong (as you know). Perhaps the time has come for you to concentrate on your daughter and you. That’s how I’ve felt down through the years. I could not take the paranoia, the delusions, the accusations during the depressive cycle.

From the tone of your letter, continuing to stay and “clean up his life messes” is making you sad, unhappy and bitter. If you stay, you will only grow in this direction. Get out while you are still young. Get out while your daughter still has a chance. Get out and maybe, just maybe, it will get his attention and he will be more active in his own treatment.