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4 years married, no kids with people asking…how to deal?

Posted in Babysitting on 21st April 2011

4 years married, no kids with people asking…how to deal?
My husbands family is all about kids and my parents think I shouldn’t have kids because “in this day and age, they are too expensive and you’ve invested too much in your education to spend the rest of your life babysitting…”….blah blah. My husband’s family keeps asking why we dont have kids. They are starting to be rude about it and I’m so torn between them, my parents and my own feelings. I can’t sort through what I truly want and what I’ve been “taught” by my parents. I’m afraid if I do have kids, my parents will stop talking to me. How do I sort through all of this?
I’m 31 and my husband is 30. We have good jobs and are good together. We just haven’t had kids yet. Even though my parents live 3 states away, and we’ve never gotten along all that great, their words still effect me. The thought of them not talking to me at all over our choice to have kids just kills me.

My husband’s family just thinks we are nutty for not having kids yet. It sends me into tears after each family gathering.

Best answer(s):

Answer by april
First you need to figure out if YOU want to have kids. If you don’t want to, then don’t. Don’t listen to anyone, just do what is right for you.

Answer by Evaristo K
The most important thing here is if you and your husband want kids. Forget about what your or his parents think you should do. Its your life! Live it like you want to live it. So are you read for kids? Ask yourself.

Answer by cynicusprime
Have children when and only when you and your husband are ready to have them and can financially and emotionally support them. My wife and I have only been married for 8 months, and my family is similarly nagging us about having kids. Unless they are being belligerent about it, it’s just something you have to deal with if one or both of your families are very family oriented.

Answer by PATRICIA D
Your parents sound like very cold people. Children are expensive but for those who want to have children they are worth the effort and expense. And your own parents went to that effort and expense. I can’t help but wonder, are you very young, perhaps in your twenties, and they hope that you will establish yourself financially before you decide to have children? Perhaps that is their message. If their message really is don’t ever have children bcause we’ve invested too much in your education to have you do that, then that’s a real problem on their part. There is no better or more important occupation in life than raising children. If you agree with that statement and your husband does also, then by all means, have children. If you do not agree, then please don’t. I wish you good luck in your decision.

Answer by Nanny G
Just look inside yourself and do what is best for YOU and your hubby. Dont worry about what your family or his family thinks, its your life you cant please everyone only yourself. if youve worked hard to attain your career goal and you truly would love to have kids, then consider it in the near future. Anyone can tell you kids are a 24-7 job, emotionally and physically. I myself have been in a relationship with my boyfriend going on 5 years. we are deeply commited and have a 4 month old daughter. i am very happy with her but i feel like my days involve bottle washing, clothes washing, t.v, and sleep. thats about it! Plus i dont even work! but then again i personally love children and i cannot wait till she gets a little older so we can have some fun. Its all how u look at it. what does your husband want? this is a very important decision between the two of you, not everyone else. ….nanny

Answer by hibiscus_flowerz
You are your own person
Do you want kids now or later or at all ?
After all you will be looking after them for the best
part of the time.

I knew when I wanted kids there was no thinking
involved and my husband agreed (guess I was lucky to
have a partner like mine)

I also got everybody elses input like you have and it really doesn’t
matter what everyone else thinks do as you please be happy.

It all comes down to you and your partner.

Answer by carlosdavid
Tell them is not their bussiness.
Don’t pay attention to them.

Answer by thedivineoomba
Okay- I vaguely remember a dear abby column with this question.

Answer by saying:

That you are your husband are waiting for the best time to have children, and right now is not it, but as soon as it is, you will be sure to tell the people who are nagging you about it.

As for your parents, if you want a baby and are ready for one, than have one. Don’t let them dictate your life. Also, I understand teaching your kids to wait until the time is right to have children, but to say never have children and willing to stop speaking to their daughter if she has a baby is downright selfish. Remember, lots of professional women have kids, just like lots of professional women don’t have kids. Its yours and your husbands choice, no one elses.

Answer by David
My wife and I did not have any children for the first 22 YEARS of marriage! Of course, my wife’s sister had children at a younger age, and my sister had children at a younger age, and my wife’s brother had children at a younger age – and ALL thought we were a couple of loosers because we did not have children.

We put our JOBS first, family came later in life. I have no regrets; back then – we were poor! Now we have money, we can raise children in a decent, clean, and happy environment. Not scraping up pennies every day.

If the relatives do not like the way you live, do what we did; STOP going over to their places! For 20 years we avoided seeing, or calling any of them. This is YOUR LIFE and your SPOUSE’S LIFE, not everyone else!!

They WILL get over it. Now we see all of the all the time. Even their GROWN UP children!!

Answer by myjamsandwich
Whether or not you and your husband have children is between you and your husband and it is NOBODY ELSE’S BUSINESS. PERIOD. You will have to tell both sets of parents to BUTT OUT. If they don’t like it they can lump it. When two people marry they become they’re own family unit not an extension of either set of parents family. I would discuss my advice with your husband which is as follows: For a period of time that you both agree on STOP GOING OR COMMUNICATING with BOTH sets of parents. It must be both or you will have additional problems. When they inquire about why you are not on their doorstep that is when you can honestly and calmly tell them that it is frankly none of their business whether you guys have children or not.