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Here is a poem please critique? Hopefully it’s alright.?

Posted in Babysitting on 16th April 2014

Here is a poem please critique? Hopefully it’s alright.?
She sits in the floor arms wrapped around her ankles.
By a thread of hope, she dangles.
Tears run from her eyes endlessly.
Nobody can stop her from breaking.
Her breathing gets ragged and troubled.
No matter what her problems are doubled.
Rocking herself, comfort eases over her mind.
Her meds are kicking in and peace she finally finds.
Butterflies fly around her head.
When she tries to catch them they fall dead.
She lays her head down to sleep.
How long can, sanity, she keep?
Later when she wakes up, she feels so empty.
How else should she feel when she may have given up a baby?
3 days after rape and abortion pills.
She’s fifteen and not sure how she feels.
She goes to the bathroom mirror.
The image is anything but clear.
Her sister laughs at her anxiety.
Her sister tells her she has never had and never will have a reason to worry,
Because the girl has it so easy.
She thinks yeah that’s why he raped me.
She begins to cry again.
And her sister yells at her then.
The sister cusses her and pushes her around.
Her self-esteem dives right into the ground.
She walks out and goes out on the back porch step and sits.
Wondering what she has done to be treated like this.
Her dad is outside smoking when she begins to have trouble breathing.
He calls out her name, he starts getting worried.
She barely hears him even though, he is right beside her, screaming.
She finally catches her breath and says sorry.
And her dad walks away angrily.
She goes in and looks at the girl in the mirror.
The vision she is seeing is getting clearer.
You wouldn’t believe,
That the girl I have been talking about is me.
I am telling you a story that happens to be true.
Well, it used to.
I found out at seventeen…
That my sister had betrayed me.
People ask, “What is a soul’s worth in money?”
Nothing, I tell you. Nothing!
She sold me out for eleven dollars.
I swear I want to beat her.
Yes my poem is an autobiography poem.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Joel
It’s a very powerful and emotive subject. I think you need to work on the vocabulary you use to represent the deep meaning of the poem.
Work on a few of the rhymes and try to get rid of the bits of repetition.
All in all a good try, neaten it up.

I’d say a 7 out of 10 🙂

Answer by P. W
I hope that this is not autobiographical?
Usually you sit ON the floor. “Sit” is a very undescriptive word. The word “hunkers” gets across the “arms wrapped around her ankles” with far greater economy. See if you can get across the meaning of each line in fewer words.