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AFTER AN AFFAIR? Is it posible to ever trust and respect your spouse again?

Posted in Babysitting on 3rd April 2011

AFTER AN AFFAIR? Is it posible to ever trust and respect your spouse again?
I love him, but have no trust and respect for him. Its been 9 months and I thought it would get better, but I still have days where I resent him, and everyday is filled with ZERO trust and respect. I fear that I cannot go on like this. I thought it would work, but I am second guessing my choice to stay married to him. I’m tired of “babysitting” my phone bill, and bank statements, I’m tired of wondering what he’s ‘really’ doing, or where he’s “really” at, when for all I know, he is true to his word, but in my head, I doubt it.

For the most part, he has been wonderful since. There are alot of days when life is good and it seems like we are newly weds. But all of what I said earlier haunts the back of my mind and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Am I giving it enough time? Especially when he has tried so hard? I’m really confused and I just dont think love is enough anymore. Should I wait a little longer to see if it comes back, or walk away now?
We have 12 years together and 2 children.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Trish the Dish
You both need to a see a couples therapist.

This isn’t something that is just going to go away. You need to learn how to trust your husband again if you want your marriage to work.

Some people can never learn to trust again, but with the help of someone who is trained to deal with these issues, maybe you can be one of the people who can get past this and trust your spouse again.

Answer by boston_based_guy
you need to seek professional help for yourself and then also therapy or counsilling for both of you.

you won’t be able to trust until the resentment is gone.

Answer by eharrah1
You need to stop dwelling on the past. Yes, I know it is not easy but you can stop. If you have truly, in your heart, decided to forgive and move on, then there is not a problem. Sounds like you have not truly forgiven him.

Do some soul searching and really make up your mind what you want. If you decide to forgive and move on, then do it. When you start thinking about the cheating, remind yourself that he has not done it again. Remind yourself of the good times you have had. Eventually, it will get to where it doesn’t hurt so much.

Answer by bishop
in your case it may take years to trust him again, and even then again you may never trust him.
but it will not “resolve” within 9 mos

Answer by olderbutwiser
You ONLY get one life! Is this how you want to live it? Short answer, but to the point!! Life is TOO short to live like that, and too good when they’re gone, to be lived in the hell of a cheating spouse….either past, present , or future!

Answer by Sonrisaloca
My husband mess up in the begining of our relationship not by cheating but lying and I always try to trust him but like you said that in the back of your mind you just cant help it. Talk to your husband maybe you guys can got to counseling. Try your best not to live in the past, its not healthy for you. 🙂 Good luck

Answer by Daybreak
Forgiving him and trying to work out the marriage is admirable, most people just give up and get divorced. If you still love him and you think he is sincere about trying, then stay at it. Let him know that you forgave him, but you don’t trust him. tell him their are times that you just get mad about it. that’s normal and he should accept it. Tell him your willing to work at it, but it’s going to take a lot of time. Some days will be better than others. I suggest going to a counselor, a pastor, or couples therapy. It may help you deal with the feelings that you have.

Answer by Starseed
I am dealing with a similar issue. My wife did not cheat physically, but I’ve caught her hanging out with male friends and lying about it, flirting online and even searching single profiles. She says that she wants to fix things and get close again, but she still has male friends and my trust level is zilch. But I love her, and I had to ask myself if it was worth giving her up or if I wanted to fight for it until she proved herself unredeemable to me. I’m still scared, but at least I have a chance. If I had walked away out of fear I would certainly not have her. I cannot imagine life without her and until she forces me to I guess I can’t give up on her.

Answer by zirconiag
It is easy to say don’t dwell on the past but the problem is, we would question whether this will happen again. We are human…very fragile sometimes and we wouldn’t want such thing to happen again. We wouldn’t want to go over the pain again. The first time it happened, it already broke your heart and trust…and guess how long to build the trust?
like the other answerers said, go and talk to someone (preferably professional) and there, tell your husband face-to-face how you feel. I cannot say how much time should be given to accept him fully again but if you are tired of just being a housework, why don’t you look for some part time job or maybe join some local group. Anyway, enough said…good luck 😉

Answer by SuthernYankee
You’re being human and humans are imperfect, otherwise we wouldn’t have infidelity. I would say that your trust and respect for him is zero as you said. It sounds like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop and you’re confused because you’re waiting for it to happen even though you don’t have proof.

There are things you can do now. The first is learning to let go, what I mean by that is this: You cannot CONTROL his behavior, what he MIGHT do, or you cannot UNDO what’s been done. Walk through the worst case scenario, he does it again, what are you going to do? Freeze up? Divorce him? Start a new life? A new career? That doesn’t sound like the end of the world.

What if this was a one time only thing? Spending the rest of your life policing your bank drafts and phone bills sounds like a lot of wasted energy for someone who DIDN’T cheat.

Your question should be, can you live with either of these, maybe see a counselor alone, together, either way, don’t let what HE did, break you.

How do I handle this awful customer again?

Posted in Working Mothers on 1st December 2010

How do I handle this awful customer again?
I work as a front greeter and the other day a lady came in who seemed nice enough. Little did I know, everything she had to say was racist, and then she started telling me that she “could be my mother” because we are from related, but distant ethnic backgrounds. She then told me who I’m allowed to marry and date and who I’m not allowed to. THEN, she goes off and says how much she hates Americans and then acts all sweet to my coworkers, who are all white!
This lady came in again a day ago and was very upset because in truth, she failed to take the necessary steps to ensure that she’d have a room (I’m in a hotel). We were nice and apologized and tried to explain to her what happened, however she became irate and then kept telling me that I should know better. And then she kept calling me “her kid”. Seriously this woman is imbalanced– we all think so along with the manager (who had to set her straight). How do I deal with her again, this is my last week? I’ll attack her! What do I do?
This lady also called us all liars and claimed that because she took a psychology class, she could see right through us. And then she keeps calling me “honey” and then tried to escalate the situation into something a lot worse. The first time I met her, she revealed a lot of her personal life to me which was really inappropriate and then kept telling me that because we’re of similar backgrounds, I needed to listen to her and do what she says. No offense, but I already have a mother. This lady was really stressful to deal with. And then she went so far as to tell me to break off my engagement with my fiance because he’s a different ethnicity, because “it was for my own good”.
How am I supposed to “let it go” when last night as I was leaving, she tried to follow me to my car? The manager stopped her by pretending to need to ask her a question. Seriously this lady really needs help.
She was the one to ask me if I was engaged because I’m wearing a ring– what was I suppose to do, lie? I didn’t answer her question when she asked me what his race was, but that was enough to get her to assume.

Best answer(s):

Answer by P J
So what’s the big deal. smile and think about your favorite song or something.

Since this is your last week, get over it.

You will never take bigotryy out of some people and this one just seem imbalanced to begin with.

Answer by vicpil
you have only got a week to go

just suffer it once more, dont kill her you never know she might be a under cover customer, trying to see how well you cope with her

do your work collegues know how you feel and that you have nothing to do with her

part of your job (unfortunately) is to put up and shut up, just let her get on with her obviously unhappy life, if she was happy she would leave you alone

best wishes

1 week to go and counting

xxx vici

Answer by acmeraven
Pick up a few phrases in a foreign language and pretend you don’t understand english. Have a co-worker in on the plan and ready to step up to bat while you play the poor foreign worker with no english.

Answer by Steph
I agree, you should just let it go. You don’t have to keep dealing with her since this is your last week. There are some really unbalanced people out there and this lady is definitely one of them! Just thank your lucky stars that she’s not your mom!
I know these people are hard to deal with, just keep your chin up!

Answer by lil ole me
First off, stay calm, stay cool and YOU can remain in CONTROL. When she starts up again, I would reiterate to her that 1 … I am not your “kid” and 2 … I am not your “honey” … explain in simple terms that you are trying to work with her to meet her needs, if she continues to be a royal pain … refer her to management … that’s what they get paid the big bucks for … DON’T put yourself in a bad situation … because by allowing yourself to get too involved leads to nowhere but trouble. And who needs that?

Answer by DrIG
Do not attack her.

You stated that this was your last week. You probably will never see her again.

Look for the good side in people, although in this case if may be hard to find. believe it or not, at least at certain times she was trying to be your friend and to help you.

Learn not to take certain things so seriously. You do not see this “lady” at school or a t home. Take it as the rantings of a person who means nothing to you.

Forget about it.

Answer by Tamara K
You only have one week left, so you want to be able to leave the job gracefully.

I would just try to gracefully push her through the steps. Like if you walk her up to the front desk, keep walking, don’t stop. If you are supposed to be taking her reservation and she starts to get irate, just smile and say “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be able to help you with this. Let me get the manager.” And then let him/her deal with it. Try not to agree with her, just look at her blankly, and when she pauses, say I’m sorry we’re so busy today, what can I do for you right now? Polite but firm. Treat it like a crazy TV show you can tell funny stories about later!

Answer by Orchideye
You’re absolutely right, this lady DOES need help. And it’s rather stupid that she thinks you’ll go along with what she says because you’re of a similar heritage– I hate it when people do that.

I do agree with one poster who said to tell her next time that you aren’t her “honey” or her “kid”. Who does this lady think she is? First of all, it’s understandable that everyone has bad days and partially rants and takes them out on inappropriate people and circumstances. What’s NOT appropriate is extending to the point of what this lady is doing. I could totally understand if you had said she ranted and then said she had a bad week and so forth, but it doesn’t look like she did that.

You know what, I think you are allowed to defend yourself mentally and physically. I work in mental health and unfortunately a lot of people can get like this and I’m not afraid to defend myself appropriately as needed. Everytime she goes off on you, what I would do is interrupt her and tell her she needs to do something. For instance, if she is checking in, interrupt her each time and say “oh I’ll need you to do this, thanks” or “oh you gotta sign here”.

Just because you are doing this lady a service does not mean she gets to disservice you. Next time she rants, ask her if there’s something you can help her with, and if there isn’t, tell her if she doesn’t need help, you have work to get done. Don’t let her ruin your last week.

Answer by redvelvetflames4ever
I have to assume you did have a conversation with this woman since she knows your fiance is of a different ethnic group so you opened up that can of worms. Other than that the fact you have only one week left at this place (thank goodness) you won’t have to deal with her much longer. Obviously your manager did step in to your defense (I’m shocked and pleased since that is unheard of in your industry.) The fact she actually tried to follow you to your car is really disturbing and I would threaten to call the police. No need to attack her and since your manager is obviously on your side I would excuse myself and walk away. It’s not job related right? So no need to entertain anything she has to say.

Answer by Great Scott
Inform her the next time she says or does anything even remotely threatening you will call the police and file for a restraining order.

How can I ever had a relationship with my “father” again?

Posted in Working Mothers on 15th November 2010

question of Momo’s got some nice looking cupcakes . How can I ever had a relationship with my “father” again ?
I have no interest in repairing the damaged relationship with my “mother”. I despise this woman practically. Honestly now, I despise them both. Back in April I was forced into an abortion by the 2 of them and the father of the child. Then, in May, later they sent me to Costa Rica to stay with an aunt, and promised me I could come back any time I wanted. Well, I am still in Costa Rica and they do not want to bring me back. I do not have money for a ticket, blah blah it’s not about the money. I have thoughts of suicide and told my “parents” I wanted to kill me because I am absolutely miserable in this country. They laughed and told me to call the psychologist. They call me maybe once a month, and hardly reply to emails. In addition, do not take the advice of the psychologist them. I think you are constantly, and keep betraying me. I do not think my “parents” no more and I’m not her daughter. I do not understand why someone do this the child. I have a hard time dealing with my loss, and she has just left here and I feel so much worse. (It was the homeless or whatever I was wearing even.) They told me if I went back to the U.S., I will not be able to go to college or work. They took back my car and my phone service turned off. I’m 19 and I have decided to no longer live with them, even though I live on the street. The last time on the phone, I told my father that he does not know how it feels to lose a child. He revealed that he lost a son. Why did he make me lose mine? Why should he put his daughter through the same pain he went through? That made me even angrier at him. I miss the relationship I had with my father, we were very close. But I do not think I ever be able to forgive him. Can someone help me? I do not know what to do ist.Haben you ever been in this situation Best Answer:

reply just wondering
When I was 14, my mother got a new friend. I was really uncomfortable around him because of what her former boyfriends had put me through. after a few months they decided that he wanted us to move. she said to me and my brothers about it and said if we were uncomfortable with him then let him move it, but wouldnt Surprise Surprise 1 week after my 15th Birthday, he moved in.Ich was then diagnosed with depression, and anxiety and even made a suicide attempt. My mother and her friend then said that I’m doing it for attention. A few weeks later I was assulted of him. Mama took his hand and said I had “earned” I moved with my grandmother, and asked if her friend could go somewhere every few weekends, so I go back and stay and my brothers. although that never happened. I was then moved to a foster home. My mother sent me letters never, never called, never apologized. they didn’t even send me a birthday card to my 16th Geburtstag.Ich have sworn never forgive her. ever. for what they had by me, put (theres a lot more that happened from the age of 6-14), but then I realized that I needed my brothers, I needed a real family. I was still only a child. I forgave her and her boyfriend. I forgot everything that happened because I needed had to be happy. I needed to be loved, and I was willing to give them a second Chance.obwohl this the absolute last chance they bekommen.Sprich with your parents, and they listen to prehaps get a mediator? find out why they did what they did. Some parents are just trying to protect childeren it (without realizing it is about it the wrong way), even tho it does damn weh.Wenn you want to forgive them, make sure they know that these exist, the last Chance.stark and be happy:) Everything happens for a reason:) hope i helped xxx

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