HomeWorking MothersShould I call my husband and apologize?
Posted in Working Mothers on 22nd January 2011

Should I call my husband and apologize?
My husband and I separated about two months ago but are committed to trying to make the relationship work. We are going to start counseling soon. We both view the reasons why we separated as very differently. For me, it was because he never seemed happy, always complained about me, and had severe anger management issues, including screaming, swearing and raging at me. His reason is that “he had to move out of his own house because his wife won’t stop telling him what to do and trying to be his mother.” I think we obviously have work to do!

It seems whenever we have a conflict now, perhaps he is trying to control his anger and rage, so now he just walks away. Although he is still throwing “temper tantrums”. The other day he threw a pan of cookies I had just made on the floor. The week before that he kicked over a plant that he had just bought for me a few hours before.

Today he was over and started talking about how it seems everyone in his life is against him, and that he tries hard to please people and no one respects him. I suggested that perhaps it is only his perception that people are against him and sugggested that surely not everyone in his life can be against him? He said that he didn’t want my opinion, just to listen to him. He then started saying his line of “I had to move out because my wife won’t stop trying to be my mother and control everything I say and do”. To be honest, I was just sick to death of having to hear anymore toxic negative crap! I did not want to get into it. It hurt me that he started blaming me. So I just said, “I don’t know what to say, sorry you are feeling so down.” I then went outside and asked him to come outside so I could show him the garden. So I guess I pretty much dismissed what he was saying.

I expected him to come outside but instead he just left the house and drove off and didn’t even say a word to me.

This is pretty much typical, he gets upset and he takes off. But now I feel bad and like my day is ruined. Should I call him later and apologize or wait for him to call me?

Best answer(s):

Answer by Jessica
Sounds like you both have communication issues. He also has anger issues and doesn’t know how to handle it properly.

Counseling would be a great place for you to start.
Yes, I think you should call and apologize and tell him that you are trying to make an effort. Let him see that.
Don’t be a door mat but you also have to learn to pick your battles. Relationships are about compromise.

Doesn’t sound like there is much respect either.

Answer by Mark H
Quit smothering and quit trying to manage things….sounds like he needs a little space and support and compassion. I don’t know what is wrong with him and he certainly needs to get his anger issues under control, and it is obviously tough for him to do with you around. For whatever reason, right now you just rub him the wrong way. Just back off for a little while and go to counseling and proceed cautiously.

Answer by Been there
It sounds like you married my ex fiance.

The blaming the world for his problems is a big issue. Until he realizes that HE is the common denominator, not everyone else, and he is willing to change, he won’t.

Answer by Bear
that’s too much to read. just play it safe and apologize. For rambling on and wasting everyone’s time, if for nothing else.

Answer by 2005Alum
If you two are committed to making this work, then I suggest a friendly phone call to say sorry wouldn’t hurt. It’s obvious he wanted you to just listen and not judge and not comment. Sometimes men need that but usually don’t ask for it. In this case, he did, and you chose to ignore the topic at hand and circumvent the situation by going outside. It’s also apparent that the two of you communicate, but differently and you haven’t met the happy medium to understand the other person when stressed or frustrated. So I think therapy could do wonders for your relationship.

Answer by thatartistwin
Your husband is a big baby. The pity party he is having for himself and the childish temper tantrums may be the reason nobody respects him. You would be a fool to call him. That is EXACTLY what he wants you to do. If you continue to run after him when he has a hissy fit and leaves, he will continue to do it. If he wants to act like a child, let him accept the consequences. DO NOT CALL. He needs to grow the hell up. (how is it that you are even attracted to someone like that?)

Answer by slammamama
You don’t owe him an apology. He is a manipulative abusive person who is too messed up to value your patience and willingness to work with him.

It sounds like he needs some medical help. Unless he has always been negative, explosive, and demeaning he might be suffering some depression or something. If he has always been and is just more so now, then he’s a bitter miserable man who will probably never feel better. You even gave him a graceful out, saying you were sorry he was feeling down. He is too self-absorbed and small minded to see the gift of even that.

I might just say that,as you enter counseling, please focus on yourself and what you need. Let him figure out his own stuff. He is already paranoid, persecuted, and on his own BY CHOICE. He will bring that attitude to therapy. It’s not always possible to stay together but you can begin over with your own ducks put in new order. Good luck.

Answer by sunshine11
Wait for him to call you or better yet leave the man alone and move on since despite whatever help you may get in the future it will never be enough to totally change the personality disorder and sense of entitlement. You tried talking to him rationally and decently and all he did was turn things around and attack you. You can’t honestly think he will change so why even bother? Use the separation wisely and cut ties with this deluded man before he poisons you or your family any longer.

Answer by Fisha from Furry
You did not do anything to apologise for. No need to call him. Let him cool off. Counselling sounds like a good thing here so good for you for taking that step. There is an obvious communication problem between you guys. He hears nagging, you hear childishness but you are both likely thinking differently. Wait till you have a mediator to walk you both through constructive conversation. If you call, you might set him off again.

Good luck

Answer by Chandra and Jason
I would call, make sure he knows that you are Truly sorry and wish he would still be open with his feelings. It is hard on the wife when the husband is down all the time. there many be things he’s into that will make him happy. Since it is summer time, try doing more things outside and maybe having bbq’s.
Try reading and Doing “the love dare” It’s a good book and will teach you things you never thought about really. You have to stick with it, but it will help YOU and him. I would still do the counseling though, just make sure you know your bounderies.

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