HomeBabysittingMy boyfriend of 18 years is bipolar and……?
Posted in Babysitting on 27th December 2010

My boyfriend of 18 years is bipolar and……?
I am trying so hard not to be resentful over everything that I have had to give up to be with him all in the name of love and in trying to “do the right thing”. We have a 16 year old daughter and I wanted her to have both of her parents etc..(I can’t marry him because that would make me financially responsible for his manic spending episodes.)I had to give up finishing college, a wedding, being married, having another child, being financially stable, having someone I could depend on, peace and quiet, having someone not blame everything on me – in other words a “partner”.I know that you always have to make sacrifices in a relationship but I am so weary and tired of “babysitting” him, cleaning up his life messes when he is manic 10 months out of the year. I am so tired of covering for him to friends and family. Does anyone else have this problem? And how are you hanging in there?
Forgot to say that he does see a psychiatrist regularly and does take his medication most of the time. (I count pills without him knowing and or watch him take them without being obvious.) If he starts going manic and reaches a certain level then he will miss a day or two (yeah, maybe three). The medications only keep him from going “full blown manic”. If that makes any sense. Every single person on his maternal side of the family for 4 generations is bipolar. Our daughter has always known that her dad was bipolar.I was never told he was diagnosed bipolar (before he met me) until she was almost two years old. I was 19 years old when I had her and I thought I could do anything I set my mind to. Because of her father she stands up for those who are mentally ill. She has a greater understanding for what they are going thru and has learned compassion for those who are ill. I am just tired out. It gets lonely always being the caretaker and I just wanted to know how others were doing it.

Best answer(s):

Answer by firestarter
You cannot fix broken people. He must come to the conclusion that he needs professional help, get it and stay on his medications. Your child would be happy with one happy parent than with 2 miserable parents. Her strongest male role model is him. She probably will seek out a mate like him. Not a good thing.You can love, bless and release him and leave. You can’t fix him. He has to want to be fixed by those that can.You and your daughter deserve better. Stay friends and get the life you and your daughter deserve. Best wishes.

Answer by Heather
why isn’t he on meds? that would help. you are subjecting a child to this? why did you have her? i understand that you don’t marry for financial reasons, but i don’t understand why he isn’t getting help for it. there are plenty of clinics, and medicare to help pay, but if it’s a financial reason for not getting his medication, how are you supporting a child? why is he manic for so long?

i say get out of the relationship. it’s only harming you and your daughter. he is a grown adult, and needs to start taking responsibility for himself.

i am not saying this to be cruel, but just to try and help you see that you aren’t helping him at all, just making it easier for his moods to swing. you’re his crutch, and since he’s had you for 18 years, he’s thinking you’ll be there for the rest.

Answer by pattywakcrab
Your daughter is 16 years old now and I am sure she is not blind to her fathers ways.. divorce would not be a tragic thing for her at this stage.

If you need peace of mind.. have him committed for a while when he begins to go manic and, take a break.

If he is getting psychological help and he is still having that many episodes.. I suggest changing doctors and trying a different med.
Maybe they could put him on Thorazine and that would keep him knocked out most of the time.

I spent three years of my life with a bi-polar man who medicated himself on booze and what ever kind of narcotic/street drug that he could get his hands on which only made his condition worse.
I had a baby by him and he has never seen her, and this was the best thing for her.. she would have suffered if I had stayed.. he refused to get professional help.

Answer by wv_country_princess
when you are truly tired, you will do something about it… it took me 20 years to get truly tired of crap…

Answer by Warnstedt
as a mild bipolar, even i can say that he needs meds and a psychotherapist, badly. 10 month manic episodes are not healthy. i personally find that people knowing im bipolar right off the bat helps solve a few problems. for one, you don’t have to cover. you cant help the fact that he’s bipolar, but you can help him. not marrying him was a good idea, if only for the financial reason. your daughter no doubt knows that her father has issues he needs to work out, and probably even knows hes bipolar. im sure that she has made some choices in her life that were hard to help him in whatever way she thought she could. she will be for the rest of his, maybe even her, life. all i can say is don’t give up. i know it may not seem it, but im pretty sure that you are one of the few truly solid things in his world. to lose you would be a serious blow to a mind already misfiring.

Answer by SisterGirl
My bipolar husband and I have been together – and apart – for 15 years. I too am bipolar but I am conscientious about my meds and when I feel that one of them is not working, I get in my doctor’s face until I find one that works.

Ten months out of the year is Way Too Long for a manic episode. Something is wrong (as you know). Perhaps the time has come for you to concentrate on your daughter and you. That’s how I’ve felt down through the years. I could not take the paranoia, the delusions, the accusations during the depressive cycle.

From the tone of your letter, continuing to stay and “clean up his life messes” is making you sad, unhappy and bitter. If you stay, you will only grow in this direction. Get out while you are still young. Get out while your daughter still has a chance. Get out and maybe, just maybe, it will get his attention and he will be more active in his own treatment.

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