HomeWorking MothersIs My Father a Narcissist?
Posted in Working Mothers on 14th April 2012

Is My Father a Narcissist?
All my life, he treated my mother so horribly. He’d lie to her. He cheated on her numerous times. If she’d catch him, he’d either berate her, or lie some more, or get very very agitated, to the point of hitting her. I’ve seen him hold her down on a bed and beat her with a belt with my own two eyes. I was little, but I still remember.

He loves to be told how wonderful he is. He loves for people to come to him for “help”. He calls it help, but really it is a form of control. He sucks you in that way. He loves for people to see him as something so special, wonderful, the best that ever walked the face of the earth.

I got married to a wonderful man. Whom has a wonderful family. We had 2 kids, one whom is learning disabled, and the other now just finished his first year in college.
Through out, I’ve never really sat either of them down, and explained why I stayed away, or kept at bay for the most part, my side of the “family”

In my adult life, after my mother died, my father continued with his same behavior. Because I didn’t “conform” to his way of thinking in that I didn’t believe I needed to tell him how wonderful he was. I didn’t want his money. If he was with one of his girlfriends, he’d treat me like dirt on the phone then. After some time of all that, and my warning him that I would not put up with that any longer, he did it again. Treated me like dirt on the phone, because he was with a girlfriend.

That was it, I simply walked away. I didn’t not contact him. I didn’t want to fight with him or my sister whom is a carbon copy of him. I just wanted to simply be left alone.
I have since learned that to a narcissist, that is the wrong thing to do perhaps.
Because to get at me for doing that, he’s targeted my son now. Lied and manipulated him. He’s lied to him about us, me in particular. Saying the most outrageous things to him. He even hired an investigator to “find” my son to give him money after I’ve repeatedly asked him not to. He had our address, and he hired an investigator. What will he do next?
He’s bashed females to him, although I don’t know if My son has read the stuff he’s sent him on that kind of thing. He’s planting seeds to him that I’m not mentally stable. At least that’s the way I take his comments of “I’m very concerned about your mother” Since that’s the same tactic he used to us, about my mother.

Anyway, it worked. He’s given my son enough money, and my son is now with him on his farm “working” for him. My son has taken on the same kind of demeanor now. He doesn’t want any thing or much of anything to do with us. His lying is out of control. He does not admit any wrong doing. Or take any responsibility for his actions towards us. If we tell him we are hurt, he just says he “doesn’t care about us anymore”.

Is there a way to help my son? I should of told him from the time he was knee high about my father and his tactics, but I wanted to spare him the life I had of that type thing. And I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do, talk so bad about someone else, although “bad” in this case is the truth. I wanted to just have a normal little happy family, and go on with our lives untouched by my side of it, but now he’s got my son, hook line and sinker.

What should we do? Or is there anything to do?
Yes, my son is 19 now, legal age adult.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Jadey
you cant have a “normal little happy family” with a father like that… you knew he would eventually come looking for you, if he had no one else in his life to control since your mothers passing, and yes you should have warned your son about his grandfathers ways when he was a little boy but its too late for that now…so the best thing you can do is try to communicate… communication is key, theres not really much else you can do because hes a grown man and makes his own decisions but you cant give up on him.

Answer by rustybones
You don’t say how old your son is but, if he’s underage, you have every right to keep him away from your father.
It sounds like your father is an abusive jerk and you really shouldn’t have any contact with him.
If your son is of legal age, there’s not much you can do about the situation.

Answer by bela p
that’s bloody awful…am sorry for what you had to go through.

you need to ask him to come home for dinner. tell him that there is something that you have been meaning to tell him but you have left it too long and that it is very important that he must know.

**give him this that you wrote to let him know how concerned you are…and than tell him everything…sit your other son down with you too and tell them both.

*also say to your son that is now with your father when you have finished talking…that you had to tell him and now that you have hopefully he will understand why you tried to keep away for so long.

after that there is really nothing that you can do. i’m so sorry.

good luck and let me know how it goes..

i’m sorry……..so sorry.your a lovely woman, don’t ever think different and keeping it from your kids is what any woman would have done. you just wanted to protect them. but eventually and i know it’s hard…but you have to let go and let them make their own decisions…

Answer by oracle_of_light
It is never right to degrade other people including grandparents to our children…We can warn them about
what others are like, but they will want to find out for themselves anyway. So don’t fret over not telling him.. Your son is adult now, he has the right to learn for himself who people are; and the right to become the person he wants himself to be. We are all responsible for our own actions (your son included). It is a hard lesson for all parents to allow their children their own way when we see them making wrong choices, but you gave him the training you could, now it is his job to put it to proper use.
It’s time for you to step back and allow him to make his own mistakes learning lessons for himself; leaving the door open for him to still be part of your loving family if he chooses.
Till then, avoid contact with those you don’t wish to have in your life or don’t want you in theirs, go on with your own life. If your father infringes on your life and you don’t what that, you can get a legal restraining order. Then allow the law to handle it, but don’t play into his manipulation of you by keeping you
conscious of him. It sounds like he is Narscissist and they are very dangerous. Your son will learn from him or inspite of him……… Blessing and be strong.

Answer by GoodQuestion
Yes, your son is attracted to the negative traits in your father and has chosen to allow it to become part of his life.

I’ve been thru this…my father’s home is a training camp for crime/abuse against women, young minds, elderly abuse, and incest. “me, my dad, and grandpa are gonna take er down”. I watched my sons get seriously worse and all blame was put on me for their behavior by – if you would have, if you you you….nothing of what was really happening including their own choice. The cops and cps enable him because he’s dysfunctional and is nothing but a savings account to them. He was told by us to stop using my sons and others to spread their hatred. And yes we’ve seen the bribes and this is what he said when confronted, “I’m not bribing them, I’m just wining and dining them” (he’s spiritually bankrupt that’s a fact) this to get them to lie about my parenting to CPS and explain his parenting instead which they happilly fell for ….more like he was party to turning my son’s into whiners and family terrorists with no honest goals. They’ve been foster placement for several older teens but I can’t say they didn’t already start trouble with the kids prior to that and got their way. Both have beat on me after gettin caught and one time restrained, I was kicked repeatidly while being held down – something that has never been done to them but encouraged by their father and my father and stealing is normal….so is incest as per their verbal bragging. They live in a box and by living I don’t mean they still live there and neither do the others he has used to project his child-like behavior onto with the help of his gambling, drinking, insecure wife…hatred and crime breeds just that in young males that’s a fact. All around that house has ended up in jail and all blame women for their crimes.

Yes, my father/wife see themselves as saviors also uses my sons and even ex-husband to try and control my life into chaos and accept stalking and abuse. They spend quite a bit of time managing court fights. Do not blame this on yourself our sons were and are very well keyed into push-overs and trouble causers:

Sons:
“we’re gonna make sure you’re alone”
“I got my family over here and you ain’t part of it”
“I’m not part of the family…I’m out”
Which is it war or peace?….”war”
“we’re gonna make sure you never see your grandchildren”
“you should be able to put up with me”
“so what, cry me a river”
“it’s just drunk dialing why do you have to blow everything out of proportion”
“you have no business talking to ___ and I know you tried to call ____ (my sister) and I know you didn’t get ahold of her but you got ahold of your brother – quit calling him.”
“go ahead call the police”
“watch and see what I do to you”
” I’m gonna set you up”
“nobody wants to talk to you”
“everyone thinks your crazy you need counceling, you guys need some help”
“don’t talk to my little brother let him grow up” – code for we want him to be just as miserable because we weren’t aloud to grow up
“we’re going to call the police on you if you come over here – keep your mouth shut ya b****.”
“after I get done with you you won’t have a husband”
“hurry up and die”
“it’s your fault I got fired”
“your sick like your mother”
“you’re messed up because you can’t accept your mother is sick” – (my dad drove my mom over the edge) every female is sick and that is what he openly instructs & it doesn’t matter if females are present either. He has informed people I’m a man-hater(projection) – that is false. At present they are assisting son in getting out of g/f abuse with my grandson being involved due to her holding him when he swung at her. This young lady and all their wives and g/f have been used to make prank calls, threaten us, call me names, and accuse me of fabricated lies. “I told him I was telling his grandparents he’s having contact with you guys” …we’ve tried everything to point him away from that garbage.

Zero contact – we are not having any contact with either of these two until they break from contact with chaos – it may never happen given the fact that many in their family have never grown up. Do not put up with this, hang up the phone and don’t let anyone connected with them talk to you for them…no more nice and civil …be the b**** their calling you if you have to but I just ignore their existance. Trust me nothing you do will be right and don’t go wasting your money on MH for someone elses problems either…that false help route is a joke and will do nothing but label them and make you feel guilty for seeing what you see and your human emotions – you have a right to be angered your family is being destroyed by your son and father. NO – he isn’t doing it because you are reacting either he’s doing it because he’s choosing to. I know there is a secular label for this but they know what their doing…they laugh at themselves while abusing and explain others to be themselves using lies. Watch out when you cut off contact because it’s going to get a bit worse for you I’m sure. Just ignore all of it your dealing with a chronic victim who hunts enablers and preys on young minds because he wants your son to be as miserable as he is.

The son they didn’t target is nothing like this and is an adult – though they’ve tried very hard to mess with him often.

Answer by KELLY
The money is probably what your son is interested at this point. It will wear off and if you raised him right he will make his own mind up and see through your father.

Sorry this is so rough, wait it out, your son will come back to you, trying to chase him will only make him run futher toward your father.

{{{hugs}}}

Answer by kathyw
I don’t think there is anything to do. You had your son for a long time. During that time, he learned how to think, how to react to people, how to ‘read’ people, as everyone does when they are growing up.
Now, this may be a period where your son will have to put those skills to use. Yes, maybe your father is a narcissist (a selfish person who tries to mold the entire world around him to fit his needs) ; perhaps it doesn’t bother your son much. Yet. But perhaps eventually it will sink in that this is a man who can’t be trusted.
I say ‘perhaps’ because it may also be that your father bends over backwards to soften his behavior around your son. That can only work for awhile if he lives in close quarters with someone. If he can manage to keep a distance, it can work a lot longer.
No, you can’t do anything except keep in touch with your son as a mother (birthday and Christmas cards with gifts on those occasions and perhaps include some news in the cards). Keep your life as normal as possible. Try to remember that you can’t control everything in your life and you were a good mother as your children were growing up. Well, now, at least one is grown!
Your father wasn’t a great person to you when you were growing up. You also took on some of the burdens of the problems he caused your mother. It upset you a lot the way he acted towards you when he was with a girlfriend. Another person might have just brushed off the disrespect and shrugged. Maybe your sister would shrug it off.
You stepped away from the situation and now you think you’re paying for it. I agree with you that it is some kind of payback from your father but your son is your son. He grew up in your family, not your father’s. He can form his own judgements as time goes on. All you can do is hope he sees in your father what you see in your father.
Ultimately, all parents are left in that same position. Adult children must make their own decisions.
Don’t let your father’s mischief trouble you. Relax and live your life and be as happy as you can be. Don’t ever complain to your son or try to force him to make a decision that YOU are making for him. Let him live and learn too.

Answer by a.vasquez7413@sbcglobal.net
As I was reading what you wrote, about your Father, and your Son, and most of all about the life you had lived with your Dad, when you were younger, is horrible to think. Now, putting aside your Father, because he is the least of the worries here, what is important is your Son. If as you say that your Dad has worked with your son, in saying lies about you and your Son believed them, then all you have to do is let your Son, find out the real truth, about your dad, do not make your life miserable in thinking how his Grandfather, could do what he did to his Grandson, As time passes I am sure that your son, will start seeing how his grandfather is really like, and I am sure that he will, one of this days be at your house asking for your forgiveness. And pray to God that he takes care of him for you, and to make him see the truth. I care.

Answer by BabyMuffin
It is true you should have told your son about your Father
but that is in the past. I would distance myself from your
Father this is not the kind of person you want around your
son. Be honest with your son and tell him the whole story
so he will know what he is up against. Then ask your Father
to stay away from your family and your sister if they do not
then get a restraining order to let them know you mean business you have suffered enough and just can not allow them to make your son suffer.E-mail if you want to talk more.

Answer by drvndrm2
ONCE THEY ARE OF AGE, THERE ISN’T MUCH YOU CAN DO. MAYBE SOMEDAY HE WILL REALIZE YOUR FATHER ISN’T THE GOOD PERSON HE THOUGHT HE WAS. HOPEFULLY HE WILL REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS HE HAD GROWING UP WITH YOU AND THE LOVE HE WAS SHOWN AND HE WILL COME HOME. I WISH THAT FOR YOU-GOD BLESS

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