HomeWorking MothersDomestic violence & drinking. Mad at victims sister. Codeword abused/compromised. NEED ADVICE?
Posted in Working Mothers on 12th July 2012

Domestic violence & drinking. Mad at victims sister. Codeword abused/compromised. NEED ADVICE?
-2of my best friends are twins. Jane & Janice. Jane is in an abusive relationship. I support Jane, and tell Jane that I’m here if she ever needs me. Jane’s not ready to leave her husband. Jane thinks they can “make their marraige work”. Jane knows that I respect her enough to understand that she must make decisions for herself. Jane & I recently came up with a code word for Jane to tell me if she needed help(“RED SWEATER”), if Jane ever needs me to dial 911, she’ll call me & demand that I return her RED SWEATER. Janice, me, and the twins mom keep in constant communication about Jane’s situation. Yesterday I told Janice about about the code word so she’s not confused if Jane ever calls talking about a red sweater.
-Janice went to visit her sister overnightJanicecalled me at 1a, and was VERY drunk. I asked Janice what she was doing & she said “I’m working on it”. I asked Janice what she was talking about & Janice said “Can I have my RED SWEATER back.” This code word was created for Jane, but Janice was visiting Jane, so I asked Janice if she was in trouble. Janice said “Uh-huh. Yeah. Let me call you right back.” I went into emergency mode & was ready to call police. Janice was so drunk I didn’t know what was happening, just that she had said “RED SWEATER”, and confirmed that she was in trouble. I waited & Janice didn’t call me back. I called Janice who didn’t answer. Then I called Jane & Jane’s husband answered (something he’s done while literally holding Jane hostage before). I never heard Janice’s voice during this call. So I was very concerned. I opted to call twinsat 1am) & see if she wanted to call to check on the twins, so I wasn’t calling over & over (escalating the husbands anger = he doesn’t like me since I’ve driven to pickup Jane during one of his abusive episodes when she called me screaming for me to come & get her while pinned in a corner)
-While I was talking to Jane & Janice’s mom, Janice beeped in. I clicked over to Janice and asked Janice if she was okay. Janice said “Yeah.” But since she said “RED SWEATER” right before letting me go during our last conversation, I didn’t know if she was saying she was okay under duress. So I asked Janice if she could get away from the husband to tell me whats going on and she said yes. Once she was AWAY from the husband I asked again if everything was okay. She repeated that yes, everything was fine. I said, “So no RED SWEATER” And she said, “Oh, no, no…let’s take a step back!” I was very confused at this point. I asked her what was going on. She said that she was visiting with Jane’s husband & that she “found out some things that disturbed her”. LIKE, JUST INFORMATION. NO EMERGENCY. I asked her to please not ever say “RED SWEATER” again unless she needed me to dial 911, bc it means call for help! I explained to her that I had been panicked & that I had already called her mother to tell her that she had called me with the emergency code word. Janice reacted to this by saying “What?! You called my mom?!” And I said “yes, I told her I’d call her back when you beeped in”, and Janice said “Oh, let me call my mom real quick & tell her everything is okay.” So I let her go so she could call her mom. After a minute Janice called me back, and said, “Next time, don’t be so quick to call mi madre [my mother]” in an accusatory voice!!!
-I am FURIOUS that Janice got soo intoxicated while visiting Jane, and then called me in the middle of the night drunk, the second sentence out of her mouth being “can I have my RED SWEATER back?” And THEN had the AUDACITY to act like I was out of line for calling her mother.
-Apparently Janice was drinking, visiting with Jane’s husband. Jane’s husband has reached out to Janice in the past, and for some reason trusts her & tells her things (specifically about abusing her sister, using an opportunity to present HIS side of the story). So apparently Janice was just disturbed by the stories that Jane’s husband opened up & told her& in saying “RED SWEATER” she was just attempting to share her disgust(?) with he situation. I’m furious that Janice abused the emergency code word b/c she was so intoxicated, and then even MADDER that she acted like I overreated to the situation by calling their mom. Janice then acted annoyed that I asked why she said “red sweater”, and stayed on the phone, but was silent. She seemed annoyed to be on the phone with me, so I asked if she wanted me to let her go. She said yes, that she’d call me back whenever.
-I’M ALSO WORRIED Janice will tell the husband about the codeword after a drunken misunderstanding about it. Right now during fights, Jane has been able to call me. Jane’s husband only keeps the phone from her if she says she’s calling P.D.If he knows about the code word, then he’ll probably be unlikely to let Jane have the phone AT ALL during these fights if he thinks she may tell a friend to call the police in code!!!!!

I’m so mad at Janice, what would YOU say to Janice?
Yahooman- I appreciate a true, thoughtful & genuine response. However, this scenario won’t work. Even if I did take her to a police station, I can’t report the crime- SHE must. Outside of that, she must decide for HERSELF to leave. All I can do is make sure she knows she is a strong, and intellegent person (as her husband often tells her otherwise), and tell her I will always be here for her. I’ve already driven 4 hrs in the middle of the night to pick her up when she called me once. She wanted out, so I drove to help her get out. But she went back, so I told her that I support her no matter what. If I “kidnapped” her, she’d only go back, not to mention she has a young daughter. I’m just trying to figure out how to deal w/the sister who got drunk & abused an emergency codeword b/c she was so drunk.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Yeech
I would tell her to buy a Popsicle.

Answer by Yahooman
this is terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These cases happen all the time all over the world and are dangerous to the person being abused and attacked. Now being a sister to a domestic abuse victim mentally changes their head and can have long term affects.

now i think one day you should PRETEND to take her out for lunch without the husband to a councilor. Or in a worst case scenario go in to the victims house take her close turn her phone off nd flee to a safer place such as ur house a friends house or if your scared for ur safety and hers Straight to a police station and report the abuse even if its against her will so she can be looked after and THIS COWARD delt with!

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