HomeWorking MothersAnyone want to rate my story (if you have time on your hands?) Please? Not too long…?
Posted in Working Mothers on 12th August 2012

Anyone want to rate my story (if you have time on your hands?) Please? Not too long…?
Do you think my story so far took off too early? This is the VERY first part, so did it have action right away? Thanks so much! (By the way, strange things happen later on because she is a witch, but the good kind. Throughout the story, she is pretty much developing as a teen witch. She has to get used to using magic. So anyway, enjoy!)

Chapter One [excerpt] not done yet
_______________________________
Laurie Kentt walked slowly down her sidewalk on the cool, crisp autumn afternoon, making her way down to 67 Ellway Rose Lane, her home sweet home. She dreamed of her mother’s chocolate chip cookies, especially after the day at school, and hours of shopping at mall.
The day’s events soared through her mind, slowly and carefully, as she had time to remember the day: school had been just as uneventful as ever, with boring lessons and crumpled notes being passed around. After school, Laurie went to the mall with Ashlee Parker, her best friend, and Jenny Kole, her other best friend. They shopped for accessories, or as Jenny called them, “extra trash to bring home.” Jenny was obviously not a shopaholic, unlike Ashlee and Laurie. School had just started a week ago, but it felt like a year, so obviously after a year of school you buy things–atleast in their world.
When Laurie got to the front steps of her house, she looked up: the bright green color of the house looked freshly painted, even though it was a year old, and the medium sized house was a compliment to the scene of red and gold leaves surrounding the house.

“Laurie? Are you home?” asked Laurie’s mom, Kathryn Kentt, from the kitchen.
“Yeah Mom, I’m home,” she yelled back. She dropped her bag on the couch as she entered the living room. Her father was obviously not home, as he was an architect working at his office, making designs for big companies. Laurie walked quickly to the kitchen when the smell of freshly baked cookies came from the oven. Her mother was taking the cookies out of the oven and had set them on a glass tray to cool off by the time Laurie sat down.
“Good day, honey?” her mother asked.
“Yeah Mom.” Laurie replied. “We went to the mall. Ashlee’s mom drove us. Then she picked up after an hour.”
“I know,” said her mother, “Debby called me.”
“Who’s Debby?” Laurie asked, while she picked up a cookie.
“Ashlee’s mom.” she answered.
“Oh,” said Laurie.

She bit into the corner of a cookie, and the chocolate chips was melted in the cookie, the way her mother usually made them. After eating a few more cookies (with milk) she went up to her room. Thank god Mrs. Miller didn’t give math homework, thought Laurie. It was a Friday afternoon, and Laurie was free from school since two thirty, now being three forty-five. She decided to go online, but realized her Internet connection went out. She groaned. This rarely happened, but when it did (last time being six months ago), it didn’t turn on for atleast a few days.

“I have nothing to do! Turn on! Stupid connection,” she muttered. Then the light on the screen showing the connection turned green. Internet Connected, it now said. “Yes!” she cheered. She went on her blog, E-mailed her friends, and after a few games of online sudoku, she turned the computer off.
“Laurie, phone for you!” shouted her mother from downstairs.
“Coming!” she yelled back. She ran down the stairs, and took the phone from her mother. She sprinted upstairs before talking.

“Hello?” she said.
“Hey,” said a familiar voice.
“Yeah, hey,” said another voice.
“Hey guys,” Laurie said to Ashlee and Jenny.
“What’s up?” said Jenny.
“Nothing. Why’d you call?” said Laurie, turning the radio on. Her favorite song, Here, was playing.
“Just to hear your radio.” said Ashlee. “Turn it down, will you?”
“Sorry, it’s Here. ” she said.
“Well, of course it’s there, it’s not here, is it? said Jenny.
“No, my favorite song, Here.” she explained.
“Oh,” they said.
“So,” said Jenny, “You know where Aberell Park is, right?” she asked.
“The one near Lincoln Avenue?” Laurie asked.
“Yeah. There’s a concert there tonight. You know Heaven Sent, right? They’re playing.” said Ashlee, calmly.
“No way!” Laurie yelled into the reciever. “Heaven Sent? Why is that band playing in this small town?”
“Well, you don’t have to come…” started Jenny, sounding let down, but Laurie interrupted.
“Are you joking? Of COURSE I’m coming! What time is it?” Laurie asked.
“Nine! It’ll probably end at midnight…oh, will your mom mind?” asked Ashlee.
“No, maybe not…I’ll ask. Hold on.” Laurie raced downstairs and asked her mom if she could go.
“How far is the park?” her mother asked, frowning.
“Two blocks,” said Laurie, confidently.
“Well….Oakville is pretty safe at night…I suppose you can go. Don’t stay out too late.” she advised.
“YES!” she yelled into the phone when she was back upstairs.
“Oh, this is gonna be so fun!” said Jenny.
“I know!” said Ashlee.
“Come over, you two! We so need outfits.”
oh, and her name is “lorie” but i liked that spelling.
“Oh. My. Gosh.” were Ashlee’s first words when she came.
“What?” said Laurie, then realizing Ashlee or Jenny never had seen her closet before. Being the daughter of a famous architect, she was pretty rich. Obviously, she had a lot of clothes. A lot of clothes.
“Hey, could we borrow an outfit?” said Jenny, eyeing Laurie’s filled-to-burst closet.
“Definitely,” said Laurie.
It was five when they started to choose. By the time they were done, it was eight. This shows just how many outfits Laurie’s closet provided.
Ashlee wore a white tank top with a denim jacket and dark jeans. Jenny took so long just to choose a simple blue sweater and a dark denim jeans, with a beige sweater. Laurie wore a black dress with a matching black jacket (nights weren’t very cold, but the jacket suited her so well, she decided to go with it). They had an hour to do whatever they pleased, and they decided to watch a random movie.

The movie had barely started when it was time to go. They all le
The movie had barely started when it was time to go. They all left and decided to walk (only after Laurie’s mother made sure everyone had a cell phone and their parents knew about the concert) to the park. It was a short walk, and within minutes they reached the park.
The concert stage was set up, and there were fans everywhere. Luckily, they gave the tickets to the person standing outside of the gates and they were let in. There were benches everywhere. They raced to the front and sat down. The park was almost crowded; they felt lucky to have seats-front row seats.
“Omigosh!” said Ashlee. “I can’t believe Heaven Sent is performing!”
“Neither can I!” said Laurie.
“You know, a couple of days ago, I wished Heaven Sent would come here. And I wished we would be able to go. Just look…here we are!” said Jenny.
“Well, how’d you wish for it?” said Laurie.
“I just thought, ‘I wish Heaven Sent could perform and we could go,’ after I heard their song, ‘Shower You With Love’-it rocks
“I just thought, ‘I wish Heaven Sent could perform and we could go,’ after I heard their song, ‘Shower You With Love’-it rocks!” said Jenny.
“I love that song!” said Ashlee.
“Me too!” said Laurie

Best answer(s):

Answer by Desi Doll
Very good, and well written. But what happens??

Answer by Taylor M
sorry, this sounds like it could have some potential but i can also tell that your very young or you’ve never written before. try some writing lessons or just keep reading books and practicing <3 good luck

Answer by Mrs. Damian McGinty -11/01/08 **
Oh my God! I am loving the story! I want you to write more! That is worth a published story!
-Kaycee

Answer by Kathy Kat
This is very cool ! I would love to know what happens next! Good Luck with th rest 🙂

Answer by LittleMissBlueEyes
I think it’s a really good story!! And where you left off here, it makes me wonder if something is going to happen at the concert. I think there was a little action going on in the story so far. But in most stories the first 3 chapters usually set up the story, to get ready for more action events later on.
I would deffinitly want to read the rest!!

Answer by KK
I think its good but you might want to clear up some pointless details like the internet thing.. But good luck it was really good.

Answer by Gary J
how old are you? this is pretty good from what i read so far.

Answer by Emily
Omg I loved it these are the type of stories I loved to read

But one question…..

Why is the book based on laurie if her friend can wish for things its still good though I read the whole think when I normally don’t lol.

Answer by piggie ♥’s Harry Potter book
First of all, it has potential to become published, but, I have a couple warnings- your story is not copyright, and someone could steal your idea, also, it seems to be leaning towards the plot of the HP series, so you have got to make sure it is a lot different.

Anyway getting to the story: because of the way you start the story, you need to describe her, for instance you could choose to describe her from another persons perspective, like this : Laurie Kennt walked slowly down THE sidewalk on A cool, crisp autumn afternoon, making her way down towards NUMBER … Lane, she was about ? Ft, and seemed to be about ? (age) years old, and was wearing exspensive looking clothes.

She could almost taste her mothers chocolate chip cookies, which Laurie had been promised. Anyway, don’t say god, say gosh. Also her mum should say ‘Did you have a good day honey’.

She should bang her hand against the internet connection thing.

I think that there is too much action In the day, I think that Ashlee should tell her that the concert is in a weeks time, and then you should give a quick timeline of the week, all about anticipation of the band coming, like with her calling her friends and discussing stuff about the band like which boy is the ‘hottest’ if its a boy band, and which is their best song.

Btw, the whole ‘wish’ thing is very corny, so cut it out.
I think that you are very talented at writing, so continue with your good work, and maybe replace the name Ashlee with Chelsea or something. Go to your local library and look in non-fiction, litreture and look for Writing a Novel.

Piggie

p.s. Try and use different words, it is harder for us teens, who don’t have the vocab, but make sure you don’t repeat words more than twice unless neccesary in one sentance.

p.s.s.
The songs should be written in Italics, so as not to confuse the readers, and Jenny is wearing 2 sweaters

Answer by Sweet Emotion .*-.*-.*-.*-.
Its fabulous… but aren’t the names a bit American-Mickey-Mouse-Teeny?

Why can’t they have pretty, normal names? The way your going, I wouldnt be supried to see a Mary-Kate or a Britney!

Also, you have a small problem of repitition… dont worry, all great writers do 🙂

“the bright green color of the house looked freshly painted, even though it was a year old, and the medium sized house was a compliment to the scene of red and gold leaves surrounding the house.” – re-write this paragraph. You have used the word ‘house’ three times. Maybe use ‘home’ or ‘building’?

“Laurie walked quickly to the kitchen when the smell of freshly baked cookies came from the oven.” – re-write this sentence. You have used ‘cookies’ and ‘oven’ twice.

“She bit into the corner of a cookie, and the chocolate chips was melted in the cookie, the way her mother usually made them. After eating a few more cookies”- re-write sentence. You have used the word ‘cookie’ three times.

Connect the third and fourth paragraph together and then the story will flow more evenly, meaning the internet part wont have to be cut out.

Lastly, do not use the band name “Heaven Scent”. SO MANY TEEN BOOKS HAVE A BAND CALLED HEAVEN SENT!
Lol, or some version like “heavenly sent” or “seventh heaven” or “heavenly sent seven”.

Use a really cool, random name 🙂

J”enny took so long just to choose a simple blue sweater and a dark denim jeans, with a beige sweater.” re-write.
WHY is she wearing TWO sweaters??

“they decided to watch a random movie” cut that bit out unless you want to be clever and hint to what the plots going to turn out to be. If Jenny is going to turn out to be magic, then say they watched a random movie on magic and witches, and embellish on it 🙂

Oh and I like the way you have spelt Laurie, and Jenny is OK. Just scrap Ashlee!

xxxx

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