HomeChild CareAm I over reacting when it comes to my child?
Posted in Child Care on 19th October 2011

Am I over reacting when it comes to my child?
Me (34 yrs old) and my son’s dad (25 yrs old) broke up (because he cheated on me) when I was 9 weeks pregnant. This is his first child and my second child (I have a 10 yr old daughter). Within all the time that we haven’t been together I haven’t had a boyfriend but he has had several woman either for sex or for a relationship. I try to be fair when it comes to allowing him time with his son – either giving him 4 to 5 hours at the most – I know that isn’t much time but I do what I can, and he seemed satified with that. Since he got this new girlfriend, he hasn’t been over to see his son in almost a month and a half and that upset me because its like he’s choosing this woman over his own son. My main reason for not allowing the new girlfriend time with our son is because how long is this woman going to be in his life? and I don’t think it would be right to expose my son to this woman if she is only going to be the gf for a while, then they break up and he gets another one. I don’t feel that we as parents need to expose our son to that kinda activity. I know that goes double for me as well… I’ve learned from my mistakes in the past.
He does work and gives me money, sometimes! since he had his job I only seen money one time out of the whole month of employment. We had a conversation through IM last night and he said ” he gives me money when he can, and he feels that even though he doesn’t see our son. The money he does give, shows that he cares.” was I wrong to have heated feelings over that statement? just a couple weeks ago, he asked to take my son out of town with him and his new girlfriend for the day – I felt really uneasy about the whole thing because I don’t know her at all and I am going to not only intrust her but my ex w/ our child? I know that may sound immature but am I wrong for feeling that way? I want to be the big person in this and allow my son time with his dad not his dad and his new girlfriend? And one more thing… is it wrong to not allow my almost 1 yr old son to spend the night w/ his dad and the new girlfriend? HELP!

I don’t want to make it seem like I am making up excuses or keeping him from his son. Im just trying to be a good parent to my child/children and raise them up to the best of my ability. When I was raising my daughter, I didn’t have to deal with her dad being in the picture like I do with my son. So this whole sharing a child situation is new to me!

Best answer(s):

Answer by clotho_uk
I think you’re sounding very reasonable about this. You are right that a new girlfriend is not someone who should be introduced into a child’s life until they have been together for a longer period of time, so the child does not form an attachment to one girlfriend after another. It is not fair of your ex to be expecting this as it is not what is best for his child and he ought to make the effort to spend time with his child without his girlfriend.

Answer by LDR
Tell him he can see his son if he’s alone or if he and the girl get married, then they can see him together, after you get to know her. Otherwise, it’s your son. You need to protect him. That lady could be a criminal, a child molester, a kidnapper, anything! You don’t know and if you don’t then don’t let your son spend time alone with them. I’m sure if she had a child, she wouldn’t want to just pass him around to random strangers either.

Answer by Charm on Vacation
Does he get to make the rules for you? And how you spend your time with your son? And who you expose your son to?

I don’t disagree with most of what you say, he probably shouldn’t expose the child to a lot of girlfriends, however, this is his child as well. Just because you are the custodial parent, why should you get to dictate how he spends his time with his son, and who he exposes him to?

If you’re not careful, someone will advise him to get a custody order, and you may end up with no say at all in how much time he gets, and what he does with it.

Answer by Jillian
This guy sounds exactly like my best friend’s baby daddy. Their daughter is now 6. He has been in and out of her life from day 1. He has gone for months without seeing her, then he’ll stop by for a few hours. As the little girl gets older, it really effects her. After she sees her dad, she is depressed for days. She is feeling rejected and doesn’t know how to deal with it so she acts out as well. My friend was tired of dealing with the emotional roller coaster so she told him, either come every single week or don’t come at all. He stopped coming and their daughter is just fine. My friend got married too so her daughter now has a fulltime father figure.

I have read a lot of books on parenting and stepparenting and all the experts say that the noncustodial parent has to be a regular part of the child’s life or they end up doing damage to the child. He just can’t pop in and be a dad when he is single or when his girlfriend is busy. Your son is better off with NO father than this guy. Is your dad around? Is there a male relative that can spend time with your son and be a positive male presence in his life?

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