HomeBabysittingAFTER AN AFFAIR? Is it posible to ever trust and respect your spouse again?
Posted in Babysitting on 3rd April 2011

AFTER AN AFFAIR? Is it posible to ever trust and respect your spouse again?
I love him, but have no trust and respect for him. Its been 9 months and I thought it would get better, but I still have days where I resent him, and everyday is filled with ZERO trust and respect. I fear that I cannot go on like this. I thought it would work, but I am second guessing my choice to stay married to him. I’m tired of “babysitting” my phone bill, and bank statements, I’m tired of wondering what he’s ‘really’ doing, or where he’s “really” at, when for all I know, he is true to his word, but in my head, I doubt it.

For the most part, he has been wonderful since. There are alot of days when life is good and it seems like we are newly weds. But all of what I said earlier haunts the back of my mind and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Am I giving it enough time? Especially when he has tried so hard? I’m really confused and I just dont think love is enough anymore. Should I wait a little longer to see if it comes back, or walk away now?
We have 12 years together and 2 children.

Best answer(s):

Answer by Trish the Dish
You both need to a see a couples therapist.

This isn’t something that is just going to go away. You need to learn how to trust your husband again if you want your marriage to work.

Some people can never learn to trust again, but with the help of someone who is trained to deal with these issues, maybe you can be one of the people who can get past this and trust your spouse again.

Answer by boston_based_guy
you need to seek professional help for yourself and then also therapy or counsilling for both of you.

you won’t be able to trust until the resentment is gone.

Answer by eharrah1
You need to stop dwelling on the past. Yes, I know it is not easy but you can stop. If you have truly, in your heart, decided to forgive and move on, then there is not a problem. Sounds like you have not truly forgiven him.

Do some soul searching and really make up your mind what you want. If you decide to forgive and move on, then do it. When you start thinking about the cheating, remind yourself that he has not done it again. Remind yourself of the good times you have had. Eventually, it will get to where it doesn’t hurt so much.

Answer by bishop
in your case it may take years to trust him again, and even then again you may never trust him.
but it will not “resolve” within 9 mos

Answer by olderbutwiser
You ONLY get one life! Is this how you want to live it? Short answer, but to the point!! Life is TOO short to live like that, and too good when they’re gone, to be lived in the hell of a cheating spouse….either past, present , or future!

Answer by Sonrisaloca
My husband mess up in the begining of our relationship not by cheating but lying and I always try to trust him but like you said that in the back of your mind you just cant help it. Talk to your husband maybe you guys can got to counseling. Try your best not to live in the past, its not healthy for you. 🙂 Good luck

Answer by Daybreak
Forgiving him and trying to work out the marriage is admirable, most people just give up and get divorced. If you still love him and you think he is sincere about trying, then stay at it. Let him know that you forgave him, but you don’t trust him. tell him their are times that you just get mad about it. that’s normal and he should accept it. Tell him your willing to work at it, but it’s going to take a lot of time. Some days will be better than others. I suggest going to a counselor, a pastor, or couples therapy. It may help you deal with the feelings that you have.

Answer by Starseed
I am dealing with a similar issue. My wife did not cheat physically, but I’ve caught her hanging out with male friends and lying about it, flirting online and even searching single profiles. She says that she wants to fix things and get close again, but she still has male friends and my trust level is zilch. But I love her, and I had to ask myself if it was worth giving her up or if I wanted to fight for it until she proved herself unredeemable to me. I’m still scared, but at least I have a chance. If I had walked away out of fear I would certainly not have her. I cannot imagine life without her and until she forces me to I guess I can’t give up on her.

Answer by zirconiag
It is easy to say don’t dwell on the past but the problem is, we would question whether this will happen again. We are human…very fragile sometimes and we wouldn’t want such thing to happen again. We wouldn’t want to go over the pain again. The first time it happened, it already broke your heart and trust…and guess how long to build the trust?
like the other answerers said, go and talk to someone (preferably professional) and there, tell your husband face-to-face how you feel. I cannot say how much time should be given to accept him fully again but if you are tired of just being a housework, why don’t you look for some part time job or maybe join some local group. Anyway, enough said…good luck 😉

Answer by SuthernYankee
You’re being human and humans are imperfect, otherwise we wouldn’t have infidelity. I would say that your trust and respect for him is zero as you said. It sounds like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop and you’re confused because you’re waiting for it to happen even though you don’t have proof.

There are things you can do now. The first is learning to let go, what I mean by that is this: You cannot CONTROL his behavior, what he MIGHT do, or you cannot UNDO what’s been done. Walk through the worst case scenario, he does it again, what are you going to do? Freeze up? Divorce him? Start a new life? A new career? That doesn’t sound like the end of the world.

What if this was a one time only thing? Spending the rest of your life policing your bank drafts and phone bills sounds like a lot of wasted energy for someone who DIDN’T cheat.

Your question should be, can you live with either of these, maybe see a counselor alone, together, either way, don’t let what HE did, break you.

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